Hey:
Everything seems fine up to the last two verses. Then, wham. Took me a read or two to get it. She's sobbing for what he said to her. I think a lead up to this is better suited to keep the listeners attention to the story line. I am 50 and have written a lot and this flew right over for a second.
The basis is real enough, boy comforts girl hurt by John and boy concludes to her he is a piece of SH*T and why, probably as a need to get the girl himself although this is not evident enough here, just presumed. It is a nice little vignette into a moment in time for this guy. It does need to be expanded some to complete the thought. One is left wondering about her response...no?
Hypocritical piety is a nice touch. Although one can not fill in for the reason you choose piety as what is hypocritical. The rest of the lyric never hints at this thought so it seems out of left field and may be appropriate but as I feel, more development is needed.
Then I sat by your side
Not knowing what to say
Cause your cries for help
Took my breath away-I have a bit of a problem with this. Having your breath taken away should not preclude you from having thoughts or knowing what to say. SOmething else has to be taken away for you to have no thoughts on what to say. Your ability to offer what to say has been compromise, see the difference?
Good luck, hope you get somewhere with it.
Larry Mayer
SI, NY
