just a chorus(I think) but need critique on it...(possible graphic violence)

[allthingsagg]

All the pain, rage and sorrow
Rushing away, I can make it til tommorow
The bloody banks burn
But I love the pain
Its the last thing keeping me sane

what do you think?
Anygood? The song title is the river. I want to know what can be better and if its really any good at all.
Its my first attempt but dont go easy on it.

[Cordilow]

Do you have music in mind for it?  I would think with this rhyming scheme it would be fast music.  Otherwise, I might recommend rhyming after every second line, or so, instead.  I might recommend an apostrophe before till: i.e. 'till

Otherwise, I think it looks good.

[allthingsagg]

Its definitely going to be to fast music.
Originally I tried to make it slow but slow just doesn't work with the subject in my opinion

[lanaia74]

You have a nice flow and scheme! VERY well done!

[allthingsagg]

Really?
I thought it was kinda bad...
Im kinda stuck on the rest of the song though...It may come soon.
Just wondering does anyone have any clue what its about?

[iralarry]

Hey:

There is a definite story behind this very limited view in the chorus.  I do not get the relationship between bloody banks burning, the rushing away of pain-making it till tomorrow and the love of the pain. (keeping me sane) It doesn’t make sense as a stand alone.  I would suggest you get an idea through the chorus and develop a story line that will evolve a chorus later.  Most writers do not start with a chorus.  Think, Lying Eyes, by The Eagles.  The chorus supports the entire song by summing up a sense of the story.  I have no clue what your song is about but it appears to suggest a malevolence and joy in suffering?  I feel like pain is all you have left to feel alive.  Byt why the rushing away and sense of relief if the pain is so essential?  See my confusion?

WTFK.  BTW there is nothing graphically violent in the use of the word BLOOD.  

Good luck

Larry Mayer
SI, NY