help much appreciated (now censored)

[Lutherfish]

This seems to be a common thing but whatever. I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago, well this weekend I listened to like 5 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5. I got up this morning and wrote nonstop. I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay. But not many of my friends are into this, so here is a great place isn't then.
here we have it:

Slap me, stab me
Shoot me, make me
Hate you, I’d hate to
Be phased over your face for too long
You ask me if something’s wrong
No it’s just a ****ing song
And no, from me nothings gone
And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong
You know that beast inside of me
My rage, anger, and fury
The mask I put on to assure me
That the world aint the ****ing jury
And you’re not the only person who can cure me
Surely from this sorrow
This **** will end tomorrow
Cause everyday I have to borrow
Smiles from your face like stolen cargo

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

Why do you torture me so
With the knowledge that we know
This is unnecessary though
Yet you continue to be there
In the hallway on the stairs
Out of us, only me cares
How the **** did we get to that
I thought it was fine where me and you sat
That day I was taken so aback
In the position that I was at
Because of what we had
I’m mad and I’m sad
And I really highly doubt
With all that you brought about
This was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out
Even though…
I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think of the time said you loved me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

It used to be
I didn’t have to fear the day
When your words would hit me like a freight train
A couple of times it nearly came
Or felt that way
So Kalt wie Schnee
Yet everyday I hear your name
And see your face, it’s nearly the same
This dreary game and searing pain
I’m about to break, so clear the way
Nonetheless, I’m here today
Not sure if I wanna really stay
I mean, I know it’s over
And now I’m a loner
But never in my life have I wanted you closer
Cause now everything feels colder
Said me, “I just want to hold her
Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her
And say ich lieb dich like I told her”
I wish these times were like the older
You called me a dork
I got you that spork
The hat from Warped Tour
14 no less or more
My face on your phone
That’s the über bones
Birthday graffiti
And loads of CDs
A purple one right
Had a Fight Club night
Painted your dresser
V for Vendetta
Baker’s-Halloween
You know what I mean
Dizzy Balloon rocks
Peace from Arkansas
Scared you after dark
Then met the gang at the park
Went to Quarantine
Then the Chittyville scene
Dinner at the Branch
Then Homecoming dance
The witch on my door
Yeah, our house for sure
Your lips are sticky
And now it’s just **** DICH
I hate all these ****ing memories
But…

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think you did all that stuff with me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Didn’t think you’d had enough of me
I guess you’re really above me
If I’m inferior then **** ME

[Cordilow]

Please edit your post and put a note about the language before the poem.

Here's a link to the forum rules, in case you're curious:
• Forum rules

[Lutherfish]

Sorry about that, I was completely unaware.
My apologies.

[Cordilow]

It's quite all right. I should make them more accessible from the deeper forums.

You didn't have to take the words out, though, just so you know, although I personally don't mind. You just needed to put a warning that it did contain such language (for the conscientious reader).

Thanks! =)

[Lutherfish]

Well, what do you think; I really would appreciate some help. Not to be pushy or anything, though. Just whenever...

[Cordilow]

Oh—sorry about that. This isn't really my genre, normally (i.e. modern-style lyrics); I was hoping other people would start to join in on all this stuff (nevertheless, I have critiqued modern styles in the past, to try to get the forums going more). It looks like we get more posters than critiquers, though. I haven't been pushing this forum as much as my main one—so that's probably why.

Anyway, it doesn't look too bad, actually. It's fairly long and involved—I think the involvement is good; the length adds for diversity. You throw some German in there—that seems to fit (I think this sort of thing is popular in Germany—so if you didn't butcher any words, I'm sure this will broaden your audience at least a little). I get the feeling this could be a Beastie Boys style rap song, but I don't know, I'm not so much into the modern-style lyrics (pop, rock, metal, alternative, rap, blues, country), so it's hard to tell. I'm more into choral lyrics and traditional-style music lyrics (i.e. Celtic-style songs, etc.)

Is there anything else you want to know about?

Here's something you may want to fix:
> So whys* it so hard suddenly
* You'll want to spell this why's, since it's a contraction.

Anyway, it looks like it could work well to me, but I might not be the one to ask.

I hope this helps. Sorry about all the inconveniences. Things may change in the future for improvement.

[Lutherfish]

No, thank you so much!
Yeah, I was born in Germany and so I tend not to limit myself with monolingual pieces, if I see fit.
I wasn't exactly thinking of it in so complex of terms, but if that is the impression that I give,
then hey, it's a bonus, eh?

"So Kalt wie Schnee" means "As cold as snow"
"ich lieb' dich" means "I love you"
and
"FICK DICH" means "F**K YOU"
In case you didn't know.

A great friend of mine and I are actually working on recording it with music and everything, which
should be completed in about 2 weeks or so, because generally one writes out the intrumental first
and we have to work backwards.
But I will be sure to share with you when we are finished.
Thanks again.

[Cordilow]

You're welcome. I'm glad you're so appreciative (as you implied you would be, whether or not that were meant to be literal).

I'm glad to hear you have the music already and that you're working backwards. People haven't often mentioned whether they already had music on this forum—so far.