first song lyric posting " In Your Eyes"

[singme2]

Look at me
Give me your smile
That takes me away
From life for a while
Quietly lay here in my arms
While I look in your eyes

Stay with me
And I’ll hold you near
There’s no other place
but right now right here
Times’ the last thing on my mind
When I look in your eyes

Chorus:
You’ve got me right me right where you want
And you know that’s where I want to be
I feel a fire when I hold you
That’s the fire I want to see
When I look in your eyes

It’s raining outside
I don’t really care
That’s our excuse
More time we can share
Lying right here by your side
And I look in your eyes

Chorus:
You’ve got me right me right where you want
And you know that’s where I want to be
I feel a fire when I hold you
That’s the fire I want to see
When I look in your eyes

All things in life we've shared them as one
The things now behind us the things yet to come
the past and the future colide when I look in your eyes

When I look in your eyes
I come undone
You’ve taken my heart
The battle you’ve won
I can’t put up much of a fight
When I look in your eyes

[Cordilow]

Good song.

Any music in mind for it?  If not, I'm curious what you have in mind with the phrases that repeat.

> All things in life we've shared them as one
> The things now behind us the things yet to come

I thought this rhyme was very good, and I like how it (this rhyme's style) could work in many other genres as well.

Thanks!

[singme2]

Thanks for checking it out! I have a melody, but being a drumer /lyrisist, I'm melodically challenged.
the tempo that seems to me to suit the song is a waltz type tempo, but I would like a more alternative
style melody. The other thing like you pointed out is the possiblity that certain phrases repeat too much.
I'm not a k.c. and the sunshine band fan. I wrote the lyrics for my wife, and would like help in making it musical. Do you have any suggestions? thanks again!

[Cordilow]

Hmm, how musical it is depends a lot on the tune.  I'd have to hear it, I guess.

What you have could work just fine, given the right tune, but if it's not perfect, I might recommend a few changes.  I can't tell which at this point, myself.

On lines like this:
> But right now right here
I would think this is fine as long as the tune has the right rhythm for people to absorb it as a repeat.  If the rhythm isn't right, though (like if it's steady), I don't think it would work.

I have a question I forgot to ask last time:
> Quietly lay here in lay arms
Is there a typo in this?  I would probably think it was supposed to say 'in your arms', but I could be wrong.

[iralarry]

Hey:

Nice little sweet lyric.  The looking in your eyes thematic is as old as the hills and I do get, even with this in mind, a new sense from these lyrics.  Some fine moments for sure.  I have a concern with the first chorus:

Chorus:
You’ve got me right me right where you want-This seems too cunning for the rest of the song.  He is more likely where he wants to be, as you state in the following line.  Just that the purposefulness of her intention is a bit of an unwanted aggressiveness that belies the rest of the lyric.
And you know that’s where I want to be

I feel a fire when I hold you-Fire is a word that seems too hot for the gentleness of this lyric.  There is a softness about it that fire does not serve well.  I would alter it to fit the sweetness of the mood. It gives the impression of impending love-making and that is not what belongs in this song, not for me.

All things in life we've shared them as one
The things now behind us the things yet to come
the past and the future colide when I look in your eyes-Like this entirely.

Thanks for sharing and risking.

Larry Mayer
SI, NY

[Songmaster]

I like this song, it sounds like the ones I always write. Good versuses, choruses, etc. Keep it up! :D