Shapes in the Clouds

[bynra]

This is my first attempt at writing fiction.  It's a self-contained short story that I wrote for a small competition.  The rules were that it had to be 2000 words or less, and somehow involve a dragon.  I found the word limit to be a little constraining and some things don't flow as well as I'd like but I am happy to have actually finished!  I don't plan on going back to change this particular story, but I had these characters and a larger plot in mind before I started this, so I will probably find any and all critique relevant.  Thanks!




      "Do you ever wonder what clouds look like from the other side?"

      "Heh. I've seen 'em.  They look like clouds."

      "Gabby!  I mean really from the other side.  What do the people who live down there see?  You think the clouds that look strange to us, look like things down on earth?  Maybe the ones that we know look funny to them.  Do they even know the difference between regular clouds and rovers?  Do you think they can tell when we're living in a cloudbank?"

     Gabriel gave his friend an exasperated look.   "I don't know Cass!  You ever look at the mountains and wonder why they're different shapes? Maybe some of them are alive. Can you tell where the Earthbound live?  I can't.  Wish I could though.  I'd like to meet one someday."

      "I wouldn't!"  Cassia shuddered.  "You'd have to get so close to the earth!  One touch, that's all it takes."

      He sighed.  "I know.  It's not like I want to be one.  I've heard they're slow and ugly and have extra limbs just for holding on to the ground!  But we can get pretty close if we're careful."

      "But it moves!" she wailed, pearlescent skin fading slightly grey with horror.

      "So do the clouds!" Gabriel laughed.  "C'mon, let's go try and guess what they look like to the downsiders."  He turned to leave, "There should be a great place at the edge today." and with a stroke of his tail, was off.

          Gabriel loved flying.  He loved wind roaring and his hair streaming back.  He noticed that it definitely came to his shoulders now.  It would be longer than everyone’s in a few years if he kept flying like this.  As if he could give it up.  How his best friend was someone so cautious he never understood.  Cassia's curls were barely long enough to frame her face.  She never flew very fast.

          With that thought, Gabriel twitched a wingtip to keep his balance while he turned to check on her.   He looked back and was surprised to see Cassia just behind him.  She grinned.  As much as she enjoyed her musings, she mostly liked to go where Gabriel went.  His "little shadow" people called her, which neither of them minded.  It was mostly true, after all.  She followed him anywhere she didn't feel threatened, and would have gone everywhere with him if her idea of 'safe' wasn't so narrow.  Of course, some felt his understanding of 'danger' was a bit limited but they weren't at all interested in exploring.

      The two of them soared through the cloudforms.  They were starting to tire when Cassia shouted "Gabby, look!" and he saw the low sun sparkling off the ocean.

      "It's so late!  We'll never get back before dark." She said as they pulled up.

      "You knew that before we left Cass!  And it's not late, it's just the days are really short in winter.  Besides, you know as well as I do that the weather's not changing anytime soon."  Gabriel turned to her with mock sternness  "You just want a reason to worry!"  he finished, swatting her playfully.  "Let's head down.  This should be in a good spot to see all those 'funny' clouds you were on about.  Probably some rovers too."  He led her downwards.  He was more excited about the rovers.  There would probably be some of the less common varieties out here, but he would look at the regular clouds with her too.  Cassia rarely chose to do anything for herself, so when she did (even though he had technically decided on this outing) Gabriel liked to go along with it.  It made her happy.  "And it's good for her to get out." he thought as they broke into the open air.

-----

          They floated in the dusk, watching the setting sun play off the clouds, finding shapes and laughing as they tried to imagine what some of the stranger ones could be.  There weren’t any unusual rovers, but they did see a Pagoni as big as half the city.  As the sky deepened to twilight Cassia spoke, gazing into the distance.  "The magnetic currents are strong tonight."

          "D'you think the Aurora will be out?"  Gabriel speculated, giving her a sidelong grin.  He knew she loved to watch them.

          "Probably."  Cassia didn't notice her friend's mischievous tone and turned to him excitedly  "Can we go see?"

          "Well...I suppose."  He teased.  "You know you don't have to ask me, right?  I'm not your keeper or anything, and you know the way better than I do.  Not that I'd drag you out here and leave you on your own!" he added at Cassia's pained look.  She really did worry too much.  As he was wondering how to cheer her up, a thought came to him.  "Maybe they'll sing tonight." he said as they glided north.

-----

          The Aurora were spectacular, curtaining in waves across the sky.  They were much brighter than usual - bright enough to sing, and their faint crystal humming could be heard clearly through the wind. A show like this only happened once or twice a year and Cassia was surprised no one else had come to watch.  The magnetics were so strong half the Airdria back in Soteria must feel them.  She looked over her shoulder towards the city.  Not another soul in sight.  Maybe everybody was busy. She didn’t mind - everyone always wanted to talk to Gabby so it was hard to just hang out together.

          As she turned back to the Aurora, Cassia caught a glimpse of...something that didn't quite fit in the cloudscape.  She glanced towards the movement and saw what had caught her eye.   "A thunderhead in this weather?" She thought, unsettled.  She hadn't felt it coming.  In a blink it suddenly seemed much closer.  Cassia reached for Gabriel's hand.  "Gabby?" she said quietly.  Her voice didn't
shake but she felt like it should.

      "Hm?" Gabriel didn't look away from the Aurora.

      "Gabby."  She insisted, tugging at his arm.  "You have to see this."  She couldn't take her eyes off the interloper.  It must have been something alive, because no cloud moved so far out of its natural air currents, or so fast.

      He finally looked over and gave a start.  "When did that…?  I didn't feel any storms…I still don't.  Do you?" he asked, uneasily regarding the large shape that seemed to be boiling within itself.  It had the shape of a thunderhead and moved as if on a strong wind, but he couldn’t feel the wind, or the change in atmosphere that came with such a storm.

      "I can't sense it either," Cassia murmured back.  "And storms don't come out of a clear sky like that.  What's going on?"

      Gabriel didn't answer and Cassia found herself unable to speak.  They were both riveted on the huge…Thing rapidly closing in.  As it approached, it no longer seemed strange that they couldn't look away – they could suddenly see 'It' staring back from the depths of the murky cloud with brightly piercing eyes.  The intensity of that gaze held them rigid as it drew nearer.

      Abruptly the cloud slowed and everything seemed to happen all at once.  The towering mound continued to churn, shifting into an entirely different shape.   As the body lengthened, it became even more obvious that the 'Thing' was a creature with burning eyes moving directly towards the awed pair.  Cassia and Gabriel each gripped the other's hand in fear and excitement as they floated, hypnotized.  Enormous wings unfolded and they could see glimmers of the shining outline within the thinning mist.

      "Is it…?" Cassia began, tongue-tied with awe.

      "A dragon!" Gabriel whispered excitedly.  He'd always loved the Airdran adventure stories.

      Rapt, they watched the dragon suddenly bring its head up to stretch then snap its wings open to full breadth, banishing the last clinging tendrils of mist.  They sat stunned at the beauty of the creature.  The Aurora blazing in the sky reflected a multitude of sparkles across glittering skin as if a new galaxy had suddenly come into being.

          The dragon had not released its gaze, and the two Airdria found themselves still bound by those eyes when the huge head came forward once more.  In one giant wave the body followed and time seemed to stop.  It was close enough to touch, but neither Cassia nor Gabriel could even wonder if they should.  They were frozen where they hovered, holding hands tightly as they stared into eyes larger than their whole bodies.  Cassia thought they seemed kind, but what did she know about dragons?  She wondered if it could talk.

          A warm breeze enveloped her with a sweet scent that was somehow comforting.  Then everything went black.

          Cassia screamed.

-----

          When Gabriel's vision returned, he found himself in the middle of a storm.  This was definitely real storm, but how?  Was that a shriek?  He felt static building up and whirled around just in time to avoid the crack of lightning that nearly blinded him.  He thought he saw a vague shape in the white heat.

        The explosion of thunder slammed him towards earth.  "I've got to get higher." Gabriel thought, wildly trying to right himself.  If that had been Cassia screaming...he had to find her.  She'd head to the top of the cloud if she could; it was the safest.  He saw movement and dove towards it.  He found himself on a Fortos.  Good.  It was one of the strongest rovers and he would fly steadier with it.  More lighting crashed right in front of him, but the Fortos kept him from being punched back by the thunder.  The outline he saw in that bolt was much clearer with a face that looked at him curiously.  

" A Flambi?!" He thought incredulously.  How many impossibilities had he seen today?  He shook himself and urged the rover upwards.  It didn't take long to get to the top.  When he broke through Gabriel looked around frantically and saw the storm extending for miles in every direction, but no Cass.

-----

        Cassia wondered where Gabriel was and why everything was so bright.  She flicked her tail to head toward the familiar clouds above when she was suddenly wrenched backwards.  She crashed into something with a yelp.   Confused, she turned to see what was stuck to her back.  Whatever it was, it was huge.  “And really hard too,” she thought woozily.  Everything looked and felt strange.  She sat up.  Her head still hurt, but Cassia’s mind was clearing and her terror grew as she realized where she was.  Earthbound.

She brought her hands up in front of her.  No wings.  She looked down at her…wait, two tails?  No, not tails.  She kicked them experimentally.  Completely useless.  “How am I going to get home?” she thought, and flopped back to the earth in despair.  

“Ow.”  The ground was still solid.  Cassia lay there awhile and, finally giving up, looked around.  The earth was…beautiful.  She didn’t know what trees were, but the intricate shapes and impossibly sharp outlines were astounding.  She turned back to the sky.  The clouds looked…grey.  Maybe she was too far, but they all just looked the same.  

Cassia felt someone watching her, and turned the other way to find herself scrutinized again by massive shining orbs.  She heard the dragon's wistful voice in her head.

“Once we were connected.”  It whispered.  “No fear, no mistrust.”  The voice and images faded with her worries as Cassia found herself back in the familiar sky.  The giant cloud was receding quickly and no eyes peered out.  She turned to Gabriel.  

“What happened?”

“I…don’t know,” Gabriel looked dazed.  “But that was one heck of a show!”  He yawned.  “OK, it’s officially late.  Let’s get home.”

“Yeah.”  Cassia agreed on all counts.  She still wondered why no one else had noticed the Aurora tonight…she’d never believed her senses were that much stronger, but maybe they were.  Or maybe….

Memories fading, her thoughts drifted towards Soteria, and sleep.

[Cordilow]

Okay, I just finished. Sorry for taking so long.

Anyway, I like the style your story has for in its adventure scenes. I'm not really sure what to make of the overall plot. It seems like the beginning chapter to a novel or novella to me, rather than a self-contained short story. I say this because there's a lot of development—and some mystery that doesn't seem to come to fruition. Maybe I missed something, though. I also say this because the elaborate world you've created has a lot of potential (more than I might expect from a simple short story—unless there are other writings in this world).

I like the world and the rules you set up. They're quite imaginative.

I notice the name Gabriel, and how these are flying beings. Are they inspired by angels?

It was an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!

Below are some notes on things I noticed, and some suggestions, if you're up for them (most indicated in brackets):

> … as she realized where she was.  Earthbound.
I expected her to throw a fit or tantrum (at least a mental one) afterward, given how she reacted to the mere thought of it before.

> everywhere with him if her idea of 'safe' wasn't[weren't] so narrow.
It looks like using the subjunctive tense would be ideal here since it seems you mean to portray that her idea of safe really was narrow, and you're talking hypothetically about if it weren't.

> He led her downwards.  He was more excited about the rovers [than she?].
I think explicitly stating this one might be nice.

> … to talk to Gabby so it was hard to just [just to] hang out together.
Split infinitive, if you're concerned about those (not everyone is).

> As she turned back to the Aurora, Cassia caught a glimpse of...[—]something that didn't quite fit in the cloudscape.
I might recommend an em dash here instead of an ellipsis.

> Rapt, they watched the dragon suddenly bring its head up to stretch [and] then snap its wings open to full breadth, banishing the last clinging tendrils of mist.
It's good to put some connecting punctuation or word between complete sentences even when you use the word 'then'.

> They sat[,] stunned at the beauty of the creature.

> More lighting[lightning] crashed …

[Sultan]

I enjoyed the read thoroughly.

The world that you had built was incredibly imaginative and the rate of information revealed to us was just right (although I still don't know what a rover is, but that may reflect badly on my part!)

Cordilow caught the things I would've pointed out, but I just have one thing to point out.

The scene breaks didn't ruin the flow of the story, and I think they are good if you were referrig to them 'ruining the flow'.

Now, I do realise that you had a word-limit, and this was probably the reason for such an abrupt ending. But by the end I thought we were going to find out about the dragon, the Earthbound, or at least end on a cliffhanger of some sort. Instead—and I don't mean to be too direct so apologies—we get a kind of 'Oh let's all go home and forget this whole shenaniganz ever happened!'

Apart from that that, beautiful story, I was actually pleasantly surprised that these two characters weren't actually human and had wings! And the new perspective of things the reader sees as normal, such as trees, was a delight!

[bynra]

Thank you both for your comments!  I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and talk about them.

I have to agree that the overall plot isn't really finished.  I think despite the fact I was trying to write a short story, I really thought of these characters as belonging to a larger overall plot for which this was a sort of prequel.  I see now that I really have to completely believe in the plot myself if I want to write it effectively!  It seems so reasonable and sensible that I wonder that I never thought of it before.

Actually the creatures are not inspired by angels, although the name Gabriel is.  I just love the name and in the later story he turns out to be rather important in a spiritual way so there is a little bit of parallelism.  

The inspiration for this world came about when I was on a bus trip through the Rockies wondering the same thing Cassia does at the beginning of the story.  When we're finding shapes in the clouds, what if the ones that don't look like anything to us actually look like something that exists for people on the other side?  It was a long bus ride so I had a lot of time to imagine what the people would look like and what our world would look like to them.  

As for my grammar issues, well, I knew I had a few but I did not know there were that many!  Thank you for taking the time to point them out.  Cordilow can you recommend a book or website that teaches some of the more in-depth parts of grammar that you don't learn in high school English without being as big as a physics text?  Most of the websites I have seen are rather basic and I think I've go the 'subject object verb' thing figured out.  I know I need to learn many of these these things a lot better so I can use our language properly while still writing naturally.  

[bynra]

Thanks for your comments Sultan!  I did worry about the rate of presenting information.  There is a lot there when you're trying to depict a different species while keeping the story going, and maybe with a longer story I would do a bit better.  

I don't think there was enough about rovers in there for you to figure it out but you might have been able to guess.  Rovers are a kind of cloud that is alive and used by the Airdria as we use domesticated animals, mostly for transport.  Like clouds they can be quite different in size and appearance and therefore get used for different purposes.  

You're right that the ending comes across lamely.  Thank you for making sure I noticed!  I really don't mind you being direct about it, especially about something so important.  The word limit didn't help but more probably it is another result of the fact that I really didn't see this story as a stand-alone plot.  Writing it to be self-contained while thinking of it differently makes quite a few things ineffective, especially the ending.  I did want them to forget about the event but when that 'event' is the entirety of the story I admit it does fall rather flat.  

[Cordilow]

Thanks for all the insights on your story!

bynra wrote:

As for my grammar issues, well, I knew I had a few but I did not know there were that many!  Thank you for taking the time to point them out.  Cordilow can you recommend a book or website that teaches some of the more in-depth parts of grammar that you don't learn in high school English without being as big as a physics text?  Most of the websites I have seen are rather basic and I think I've go the 'subject object verb' thing figured out.  I know I need to learn many of these these things a lot better so I can use our language properly while still writing naturally.  

Hmm. If you had wanted to know about the subject/object thing I would have recommended that you study such as German cases (you have to have it down for that, pretty much), but I didn't see such problems in your writing.

I normally don't read grammar books—so I don't have a lot to recommend. Someone on this site recommended one to me, one time (I'm not perfect, either); so, maybe you could check that one out.

Generally, though, I think it's good practice to pay attention your grammar and syntax, and especially pay attention to the grammar and syntax of the stuff you read, as you read (particularly published fiction, if you're wanting to write the like of it). It's not as hard as it might sound. Pay attention, and look for things they do that you want to do.

Also, you can look up things you're interested in knowing on the Internet (although be careful, since people sometimes teach mistakes—check multiple sources about each thing). Also, be careful, as grammar people don't always write fiction with an aim to publish it, and they don't know all the current conventions (although I'm sure they know most of them for essays).

I probably use em dashes too much, but if you really want to know how they're used, I recommend paying attention to what published authors do with them.

Forums like this are great places to learn, too. If you have a question, ask, and if we don't know, we can research it.

Some things I like to consider when searching for grammar problems (and other issues) are these:
• Sentence splices
• Improper use of ellipses
• Passive voice
• Split infinitives
• Proper use of punctuation
• Hyphen usage
• Breaking of conventions (not everyone realizes when they do this; it's good at least to know when you do—sometimes following certain rules of grammar is breaking convention, or regressing from it to a previous state, at least)
• Ambiguity (this isn't necessarily a grammar issue, but it can be—i.e. comma placing and such)
• Wording (this isn't either)
• Unintentional meaning (this either)
• Redundancy that doesn't help the story (…)
• Stylistic issues
• Spelling
• Implications (if you understand implications—i.e. implied clauses—you can realize that some things are not errors that might otherwise seem to be; be careful they're not ambiguous, though; knowing when to use them and when not to is key)
• Whatever else (there are tons of things, and some more important than some of these, but these are often the ones people have trouble with)

Some people think things are run-on sentences that really aren't, in the syntactical sense at least. If you have the whole subject/object verb thing down, and know how clauses and connecting words/punctuation work, you should be fine here.

[Dolphinia]

This is an intriguing story that has left me wanting more. I like the flow of it, though the ending does come rather abruptly. These new creatures are the part that really grabs and keeps my attention, I want to know all about them. Where they come from?  Why flying makes their hair grow longer? How do they know about dragons? What is there connection to humanity?
Just a few of my first thoughts, if you ever decide to finish this and get published be sure to throw the title up here if it's changes from Shapes in the Clouds. D.