Science Fiction Story Critique

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Sultan

Science Fiction Story Critique

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Hi there,

Below is the first chaper (of 6) of a short story which deals with the issue of time-travel. It's a bit of fun and I hope is entertaining. If people like this, I'll post the following chapters sequentially. Any comments, remarks, feedback would be most welcome.


The Forever Watch
By Fahmeed Farooq

 
Chapter 1

Janus handed the vendor the cents and was given the day’s newspaper. He whisked the paper staring at the main headline.

ArmsTech Profits Forecasted for Neo-Weaponry.

‘Unbelievable!’ thought Janus to himself, scratching his clean-shaven face. He skimmed his eyes through the article, getting angrier and angrier.

He wondered what new weapons they were investing in now. Never before had a private company had such a hold on world politics. Even their main facility was guarded so heavily that it made Area 51 look like a theme park.

Janus sighed with a heavy heart. ArmsTech were going too far, they would surely be the cause for the end of the world. ArmsTech always boasted that they were helping to make the world a safer place, but Janus doubted that statement very much, considering they sold their wares to the highest bidder. Or perhaps they were making the world safer… just only for a select elite.

Somebody should stop them, but with the amount of protection their main facility had, it would take nothing less than a nuclear bomb, and even that wouldn’t wipe everything out. The main ArmsTech facility was like an iceberg; most of it was submerged in the ground.

As Janus turned around to make it in time to his boring, insignificant job, a rude individual not only bumped into him, but he also grabbed his shoulder firmly.

“Excuse me?!” snarled Janus. “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m from the future,” said the man dramatically, he had always wanted to make that statement.

“Oh right…” gasped Janus, slowly reaching for his mobile phone, ready to dial 911.

Suddenly the man, clearly out of breath, snatched the phone from him throwing it to the floor, and stepping on it. “You’ve got to listen to me!”

“You’ve given me great incentive by destroying my stuff!” sneered Janus, sarcastically.

“None of that matters anymore, I have something to tell you.”

“Get the hell off of me, you nutcase!” snarled Janus.

“I can prove to you that I’m from the future.” The man looked around desperately trying to think. Janus remembered thinking that this man must have just escaped from a mental hospital, he was jittering around as though he was going to be captured any time soon. “Ahh yes! I got it, you’re going to see a really good-looking woman in a minute or so, she’s going to buy a newspaper.”

Janus laughed to himself. As he turned he saw a blonde, voluptuous young lady stroll by speaking to the newspaper vendor.

“And now, some guy will start an argument with her, and then she’ll slap him.”

Janus carefully watched humouring the man before him. Just like he had predicted, a man walked up to the young woman, shoved her shoulders and exploded into a tantrum, accusing her of betrayal.

Then decisively she slapped the man across the face, shouting him down again.

“Well... you could’ve planned that all along, you could’ve hired those guys—”

“—Next a car accident—”

The crash of metal startled Janus who witnessed on the street two cars crash murderously into each other. The stranger ran to the car, followed by a curious Janus. The stranger looked at the clock tower in the square, glancing at his digital watch.

“What happens next,” the stranger whispered to himself.

Janus froze, trying to make excuses up in his head… surely this couldn’t be happening.

“Alright… maybe you—”

“—Wait, it’s not finished yet. The radio. Yes! The car’s radio, it talks about ArmsTech latest breakthrough.”

Janus listened carefully, and no doubt the stranger was right. “OK… is this some kind of joke? How did you know?”

“I told you! I’m from the future! I have news about your future.”

Janus smiled, he was ready to believe, a glimpse into his destiny, it was exciting. He could find out if he ever left that tedious job of his, he could find out if he gets married, has kids, if he’s successful. “Do I become filthy rich?” he asked, unable to believe what he had just asked in a serious tone.

“No…” said the stranger. He stared at the clock, the bells chimed, the clock had struck at three o’clock in the afternoon. The stranger looked at his watch resetting it to sixty minutes. “In the future… you die… in sixty minutes.” He handed him the digital watch.

“What?” screeched Janus, he stared with horror at the number counting down, like a time-bomb that would end his world. “You can’t be serious! You travelled back in time to tell me that? Thanks a lot! Much appreciated! Well done!”

“Yeah I know… I’m sorry, it sucks.”

“What was the point in telling me that? Well… do you know how it happens so I can avoid it?”

“Forget all about that, Janus!” snorted the stranger.

“You just told me I’m going to die and you’re telling me to forget it?!”

“You’re thinking about it the wrong way!”

“What right way could I possibly think about my own death?”

“You’re going to die in sixty minutes—well less than that. Which means… that for this piece of time… you’re effectively invincible and cannot die.”

“…Like a superhero?” Janus grinned.

“Well…”

“So you’re saying I can’t die!”

“For sixty minutes only! But look, you’re wasting time.”

“Right, right… so what do I do now with my new-found superpowers.”

The stranger snatched the newspaper, thrusting his finger onto the front page. “This! You have to destroy this!”

“ArmsTech? Are you out of your mind?” scoffed Janus.

“You’ve got to get inside, and use the watch I gave you to activate the self-destruct system. You have to destroy the ArmsTech facility.”

“So if I destroy ArmsTech… I can rescue the world from a dark future?”

“Sort of…”

“And with my invincibility, I’ll be able to get in there no problem! I’ll really be a superhero!”

“Remember, you won’t suffer a single wound, until the timer runs out! So you have to destroy the facility before then. You must use that watch to blow the whole thing to kingdom come.”

“What about you? What are you gonna do?”

“I have a different destiny. Hurry! You have to destroy ArmsTech.”

Janus nodded and ran. He knew exactly where to go, it was the one place he had been obsessing over for the last three months, addicted to collecting newspaper cuttings about the entire facility since the very first shovel-full of earth was removed for the facility’s foundations.

He glanced at his watch, and he realised just suddenly that it was next to impossible, he had fifty-eight minutes to go. He could not be killed in that time, but the stranger didn’t say anything about getting there in time.

Suddenly Janus jumped out of his skin as there was a screech and an angry horn, he had jaywalked into the street busy staring at the digital blinking numbers on the watch.

“Hey! Get outta the middle of the road!” cried out the angry motorist, from his Ferrari.

‘Remember, nothing can harm you… yet,’ thought Janus as he breathed out lengthily. With confidence he strolled over to the Ferrari. “I need to use your car.”

The motorist did not exactly reply with very pleasant words. Of course, the severity of the situation caused the curses to roll off of him. Janus, yanked the car door open, grabbed the motorist by the scruff of his neck, throwing him out of the car.

Leaping inside, he revved the car. ‘I never thought I’d get to drive one of these before I die!’ thought Janus to himself. “Sorry about this!” he yelled out as he drove off.

He eyed the watch, he might just make it to the facility now if he broke the speed limit a little. Screeching down the roads, he drove out into the Nevada, the roads empty of anything, he memorised where the ArmsTech facility was, he had been outside the gates many times before for useless, naïve demonstrations.

Janus floored it as he saw the facility out in the middle of the desert, passing a clear sign in red stating: All trespassers shall be shot on sight.

The checkpoint was ahead of him, and he saw the armed guard hold out his palm to him, gesturing him firmly to stop. He couldn’t suppress a dry chuckle as he considered the fact that these ArmsTech employees looked more like US Marines than security guards.

Janus glanced at his watch again, forty-five minutes, he had plenty of time, he couldn’t die yet. Was the car bullet-proof?

Then suddenly the guards cocked his rifle, and began firing at him. Janus desperately ducked down hearing the whines and screeches of ricocheting bullets.

The scarlet, shiny car crashed through the barriers, and jolted. The spikes had sheared through the tyres. Janus coughed and crawled out of the car. The car was wrecked, he stared at his watch, maybe he could run there. But without speed he was a sitting duck for ArmsTech snipers, the ones that they have denied ever existing.

Under the car was the body of the guard, he wasn’t looking where he was going and had killed the man. Janus felt a tremendously guilty for killing the man, even though the man was trying to kill Janus, but after about a couple of minutes he was right as rain again.

Janus had no time to sit there and be sombre, he had a job to do, he had to stop ArmsTech once and for all, finishing their secret projects, venturing into military technologies that human beings were simply not supposed to have.

With no car, and the structure right before him, there was only one thing that crossed his mind; run.

He picked himself up, stared at his watch again, he had time. He took a deep breath, placing his faith in the stranger. ‘He’s a time-traveller, he already proved he was one quite convincingly,’ thought Janus to himself. ‘He said nothing can harm me.’
bloodstone

Re: Science Fiction Story Critique

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The story is nice and fast paced, almost humorus in places.  My main question is if you wrote it, why didn't you postin the critique forum?  If you didn't, why did you post it at all?  Aren't there copyright laws and stuff?  Oh well, I liked what I read and would like to find out more.
Sultan

Re: Science Fiction Story Critique

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Hi there, thanks for your comments.

I didn't post it in the critique forum because it's not technically a Fantasy story.

If my understanding is mistaken then I guess this'll have to move it into that forum! I shall release the other chapters soon! Glad you enjoyed it!
Cordilow

Re: Science Fiction Story Critique

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Sultan wrote:
I didn't post it in the critique forum because it's not technically a Fantasy story.

If my understanding is mistaken then I guess this'll have to move it into that forum! I shall release the other chapters soon! Glad you enjoyed it!
I haven't read this yet, but I thought I'd comment on the critique thing. I realized there wasn't a science fiction section in the critique forum—so I created one and moved this thread there: problem solved. On the other hand, Bloodstone was right. Critique posts go in the critique forum. If the genre doesn't fit, put it in the off-genre sub-forum (that was even meant to encompass science fiction—you'll notice that the science fiction forum is a sub-forum to off-genre critique). Sorry for the confusion! I plan to get to critique your story still: hopefully soon.

Thanks!