I'm pretty new to lyric writing, just so you know (you'll probably be able to tell I'm more into story-writing so far--although I do intend to do some song writing). I encourage others to critique this as well--especially on account of this.
Wow, that was impressive.
This song is very well done, IMHO, and could make a popular song (believe it or not, many songs can be popular without being done well--I guess there are different kinds of 'well-done', though).
Anyway, here are some spelling notes (if you're interested--not everyone is when expecting a critique, but some are; I should change the description so that people should indicate whether or not they're interested in spelling/grammar, or what manner of critique they expect):
"One touch form this girl was all it took": it seems 'form' was supposed to be 'from'.
The first line has "abit", which perhaps should be "a bit", seeing as "abit" is not a word.
The theme is catchy and strong. The parts of the song rhyme well.
There are only a few parts I thought were ambiguous, for the length of this song. On the third line, I'm not sure what the writer means by 'pretend'. But, it may be implied, and if the music is right, listeners probably won't consider it much, if at all, anyway. But, the point here isn't necessarily whether or not people care; I'm just pointing it out so you know. Many modern songs have much more ambiguity than this one--that's one of the reasons I say it's done well, for it has more literary merit than most of its kind, I think, although it could still be better.
The song indicates a poisoning. It seems there is a relationship that was poisoned, by this desire for the girl who poisoned the one at hand. Of course, that doesn't seem good, but what poison is good, even if it feels so? Sorry if I focus on moral issues too much here.
This song reminds me of drugs and addiction, as similar feelings are probably involved.
The song seems like a cry to the first girl, perhaps for forgiveness or help (or, sadly, maybe even permission to leave her)--which one of these does not seem certain, if indeed it is such a cry.
It doesn't quite resolve to an ending, in meaning, so the focus seems to be on the poison/desire, and not what comes of it. Well, it does let us know that the poison causes confusion and certain feelings, but these aren't the end, still. I don't know how much of a resolution was desired, though, as maybe it hasn't happened yet. I like songs with more resolution more (or that tell the results of actions more), unless an explanation is given outside of the song, as they tell more truth, and have a stronger tendancy to glorify only things that the author feels deserve it (they also give us a better idea of where the writer stands), but that's my opinion: note, however, that conventions, in writing, are normally only accepted opinions.
Anyway, hopefully I've given you some ideas of what thoughts might run through people's heads as they analyze the lyrics. Many people just listen to how the song makes them feel, though, rather than to what the words mean. Perhaps everyone does that to some degree, but opinions can result after reading without the music, which opinions can affect later feelings about the song, or how the song makes them feel. Yes, good songs are great for quoting, too. Many 'feel-good' songs aren't the one's people quote, methinks, but the feel is still vastly important.
Putting the meaning/morality of the song aside, I don't think you're about to have much trouble with how the song makes people feel, as it is pretty strong. The way it flows and sounds is good as it is.
The morality of the song is debatable/ambiguous, but ambiguity is fine here, I think, as it's not normally best to be explicit with such things (unless they're less severe, and you don't want people to think they were so severe, or unless you want to direct it toward a less moral crowd). The song could actually motivate people to avoid such situations, and maybe that was the intent, but perhaps only if the people are listening for it; if it was the intent, I suggest making it more apparent. In the end, it seems to be up to the listeners, what the song motivates them to do (and perhaps also up to the moods of the music).
Thanks for posting, and best wishes for the song (I suppose I don't know if it's yours, particularly; maybe you just wanted to know what others thought of it).
