Opening Paragraphs to Prologue.

[rainshadow]

The question I have is a simple one. If these were the first four paragraphs of a novel... would you keep reading? Feel free to offer any criticisms; I'm always looking to improve my writing. For clarification, the story is a futuristic thriller based in reality, not a fantasy as it seems most of the writers who frequent this forum tend to be.

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Raven stood on the balcony of apartment suite 913 and gazed quietly down onto the streets of Caipan far below. A gentle, cool breeze whispered its calm and somber lullaby as it softly caressed bare flesh. Raven, statuesque in her deliberation, didn’t so much as shiver, despite the sheen of passion that coated her lithe frame. For the moment, her attention was riveted to a single duty, her solitary reason for coming to this backwater world on the edge of civilization.

With an ironclad expression, she slid her eagle-eyed gaze along the path that had been mapped out before her arrival. She could see that path quite clearly in her mind’s eye, as if the city were a giant map spread out along the ground to guide her toward her obligation, despite the buildings that rose up to touch the sky around her. Beyond, she was blinded to all but her recollection. Though that might be troubling to most, Raven had no fears of becoming lost in the concrete canyon below, for the destination and the road she would take to get there were seared into a photographic memory.

Now she stood silent, taking in the quiet night. Each slow, deliberate breath she drew was a sweet and rejuvenating experience. The air was crisp and clean. Refreshing. It told her something very unique about the city and its people, a tidbit she filed away to chew on when the time was right. Raven never discarded an opportunity to gain a new perspective for every aspect of her business. She wanted to learn more, to know all there was to know.

From somewhere within the apartment, Raven heard the sound of bare feet softly padding across the wood floor. The sliding screen door swished open, and he was with her on the balcony. Thickly muscled arms encircled her waist; the heat of his bare chest against her back ignited feelings from deep inside, but she held her tongue, leaned back, and let him hold her. She would have the chance to address her troubles soon enough. Besides, she was hardly in the mood to talk and even less keen on hearing his voice. For now, he would have to be content just to be with her. Anything else, as far as she was concerned, was off limits.

[Dave C]

Would I be interested in reading on knowing that this is a futuristic thriller?

Hard to say.

At this point, I would probably skip a few pages ahead just to see if the action picks up.

The visual imagery created through the use of flowery words is nice ... but I think you're trying too hard. Some of the wording doesn't flow well ...

statuesque in her deliberation ... sheen of passion ... blinded to her recollection ...

After reading these four paragraphs, I still have no idea who Raven is, why she is in the city, or what her duty is.

The embrace in the last paragraph also seems to contradict the attention riveted to a single duty  of the first paragraph. If this person is so dutiful, why didn't she ram an elbow into Romeo's stomach or stomp on his instep? At the very least, she should have broken the embrace or snapped something about being otherwise occupied.

Leaning into the embrace would be the last thing I would expect this person to do based upon what you wrote in the first three paragraphs.

I'm really not sure if I would continue reading on since I haven't seen any futuristic thriller here. This actually reads more like a romance.

Now ... if when she was looking at the city, a cybernetic eye had zoomed in and overlaid a holographic map with threat probabilities highlighted in blinking red, that would have gotten my attention.

As it is, I think you have four fluffy paragraphs that appear to be leading to some sort of erotic experience.





 

[aquarious]

Hi Rainshadow,

     To answer your question right off hand, yes.  I would be inclined to want to read more about your characters.  What few paragraphs you have written do well in establishing that your characters are rather deep, as opposed to superficial.  This can be a tricky thing to do in such a short time, but I think you have pulled this off with Raven.  You have also established a certain tone and mood for the rest of the novel.  If I had to guess, I would say that this is going to be rather dark with strong romantic undertones to it.  Here is where I would agree with Dave C.  At this point, it does seem to be more of a dark romance novel.  But the tide could always turn quickly, depending upon how much more you have written.  
     I also like the air of mystique you have added to the text.  It would be nice to read more to find out what she is doing or what she is looking for.  She does seem like a very emotionally complex character, and this is something that can be quite interesting.  Your use of words is, for the most part, put to excellent use in the descriptive sense.  Overall, I would like to read more.  There are some words that seem to contradict one another or that seem out of place.  However, I believe Dave C. has adequately addressed this matter.  Hope this helps!

                                                      Aquarious

[rainshadow]

First off, Dave and Aquarious, thank you very much for your input. I'm working on some edits at the moment that I hope will address a few minor complications. The contradiction Dave brought up, however -- Raven's actions that seem to contradict her thoughts -- in fact is perfectly explanatory, due to who she is. The truth is I never actually say in the prologue who she is, but by her actions that you don't get to see off the bat, I'm pretty sure the truth would come to you.

The thing about a romance story is that romance is a broad enough genre that it could quite nearly encompasse them all, so there is going to be a romantic sub-plot throughout the peice... but not the one you are probably expecting given what you've read so far.

I'm including the full first draft of the prologue in this post, and the opening paragraphs of the first chapter, which introduce a couple new characters, just so perhaps you get a better feel for the tone this story is going to take.

Crimson+Twilight.doc

[aquarious]

Hi Rainshadow,

     After having read the rest of the prologue and chapter one, I now see what you are talking about.  Having this additional information does change my critique a bit.  I do really like your attention to all of the little emotional nuances that your two main characters are going through during that difficult situation.  It reminds me a great deal of the "Sin City" comics and the movie.  The tone, descriptions and dialog have quite a similar feel to them.  Given the circumstances that the two characters are in (contract killer ? vs. beloved prey?) I can certainly see why you have given so much room in your text for flowery prose and emotional appeal.  Even though I am still a little confused as to what is going on in the plot (which is understandable so early on in the story with the plot just beginning to be laid out), it is still a story that I think will intrigue people.  Your great attention to emotional nuance should be a great key asset to such a story.  Can you tell that I really appreciate detail like that?  :-)  So far, I think you have managed to set up a very rich backdrop for your plot along with some mysterious dialog and a seemingly complex series of events to unfold.  Also, this seems to be the type of story where a happy ending is not guranteed, as they so often are in other sorts of novels.  It would be interesting to see where this story goes and just how it ends.  I like it and would read more if presented with the opportunity of buying it in a bookstore or online.
     The only things that I would recommend for change are some of your word choices (which I have already discusses) and perhaps condensing some of the descriptions just a bit.  But not too much.  Hope this helps!  

                                                         Aquarious

[bloodstone]

Your first two paragraphs seem very run-on.  also in the first paragraph you mention the main person by name twice in a row.  it may not be necessary to do so.  The third and fourth paragraph did get my attenion,  but it was a bit difficult to get past the first two.  (see you at work)

[aquarious]

Bloodstone,

     I believe this is the critique for Rainshadow that you had mentioned at work today?  This work does get more interesting the more you read into it.  In addition to these first few paragraphs, Rainshadow has been kind enough to post more of this story for us online via a link in the initial request.  You should check it out if you have the time.  I believe the link is entitled "Crimson and Twilight" and can be found under the "Dark Fantasy" category.  The story becomes richer and more detailed as it goes along.  It also develops an interesting mystique to it.  What I really appreciate about it is how well the emotional layers of the characters are displayed in very simple, yet very eloquent sentences.  Let us know what you think if you get a chance to read the rest.  :-)

                                Aquarious

[Cordilow]

I don't know that I would call these run-on sentences at all, except for maybe this sentence:

rainshadow wrote:

For the moment, her attention was riveted to a single duty, her solitary reason for coming to this backwater world on the edge of civilization.

Although this sort of thing is done in published fiction all the time—as a kind of poetically assumed colon where the last comma is … I don't know why, but colons are often shunned in fiction, even where they belong. I would probably still put one there—but a publisher might not like it. Re-wording the sentence to avoid the entire issue might be a nice touch (as long as it doesn't sound chunky).

Commas can act like parenthetical statements, at times. Whether this comma rule is real or just a commonly accepted custom in fictional writing, I don't know for sure. We should find out. Prepositional phrases don't make something a run-on sentence. Now if you just mean run-on without meaning to call them run-on sentences, I definitely understand that (as they are long and contain many clauses)—but they do seem fine grammatically, in that regard.

In my personal opinion—as far as content submitted to publishers is concerned—it's more important to follow fantasy writing customs (not clichés) than to use correct language (as they won't always like it). However, I salute you if you decide to go the 'correct' way—just don't be offended if or when editors slaughter your work, or if you have to end up self-publishing to keep it that way.

Now, Rainshadow, even though most of the sentences are fine grammatically, this doesn't change the fact that many will perceive them as run-on sentences (not everyone, though). I've seen a lot of people say the same thing about similar types of sentences. Whether you want those people in your target audience is probably what you should consider, if you want to keep things how they are. Also remember that you should target your critical audience, as well (and leaving this as is will include them in it). Find out how powerful your critics are, and how much sway they hold on your desired target audience.

Audience is an important issue—unless you don't care how successful your book is, or who it affects. We should talk about it more on these forums.

This isn't to say that your book won't be successful if you leave it as is, but it could be more or less successful with different people, depending on what you do. Making every clause a new sentence could grate on some people's nerves, while being very pleasing to others.

rainshadow wrote:

… her eagle-eyed gaze …

I would recommend taking this adjective out. Stuff like this can turn readers off—especially at the beginning of the story. Writers are probably the ones who notice this sort of thing consciously, though—but many readers are writers, and things like this can bother people subconsciously, too. Why would it bother anyone? Well, many writers would tell you to prove she has an eagle-eyed gaze without telling us right out like that. It makes her look a little too powerful right off (like a superhero), as it doesn't seem she's earned the right yet. Anyway, let me know your thoughts on that. Some also might think the same thing about the word 'ironclad' here. Now, if there were proper illustrations, or if this were a graphic novel, these things might be good to use.

As to whether I, personally, would continue reading—it depends on what I knew about the story, and if I liked it. I'm one of those rare few who are willing to admit that the actual story concept is one of the things that pulls me into a book most. Writing style is quite important for me, as well, however. The writing style of this works for me, at least for the first few paragraphs, since that's all I've read. I can't say for beyond that, yet.

rainshadow wrote:

From somewhere within the apartment, Raven heard the sound of bare feet softly padding across the wood floor.

'Softly padding' seems a little redundant. Be careful of things like this—they'll stick out like lightning rods to some. I know it may seem heart-wrenching to take it out (as it actually does add some meaning as far as scene-setting goes), but an alternate route is probably best.