For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and
those who don't
will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you
read this. This
by far is one of the funniest things I have ever read. ~
This is why I
shave!! Hope to put a smile on your face: Hair Removal..
(I don't have a clue who wrote this, but WHAT A RIOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy,
painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the
wax. Read on..
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix
dinner,
and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would
ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet.' So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm
and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not
a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull on of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,' yeah.. Right!) I lay the strip across
my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS!
Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't
too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate
hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY
GAWD!!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the Strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay conscious..
must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe. OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that
has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????
Slyly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.. It's
not!! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the
urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right????
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -
I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to
the bottom of the tub..in scalding hot water. Which, by the way,
doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and
has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants
to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!! I should be the joke of someone
else's night.
While we go through the various solutions, I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than having
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GAWD!!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!!! It works!!!!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color!
~Darth Peep~
