Need your help with Megalith - is it anything like the Lord of the Rings

[John M. Silver]

I hope you can help me out. I am kind of in a bind. I have written a screenplay, and investors need to see some real discussion about it in public forums. I know it would be hard to say anything about a small segment, but still, it should give a certain feeling about the whole thing.


EXT. GOLDSPINNERS FOREST – DAY

Cuillaume kicks and flutters, rambles. Quenby tries to wake Cuillaume again, then pulls him on his shoulder, and carries him towards the bridge.

...
(took it off the forum, because of possible piracy, ask me, if you care to read it)

[Cordilow]

Hmm, interesting story.  It has lots of action - that's good.  Things happen.  I would be careful to make sure the readers/viewers know exactly what's happening and why (unless you specifically do not want them to know).  It's not always clear.

Also, I would be sure to include a physical description of every new character (and perhaps some notes as to who and what they are, especially in relation to the others); this is probably more appropriate in a screen play than in normal fiction.

I see elements from fairy tales, much like those in the Fairy Books compiled (not written) by Andrew Lang.  I read one in the Violet Fairy book that was almost exactly like the part where they used the sun stone to change into various things, and the evil guy sent the spirits after them.  I would be hard-pressed to believe that you weren't familiar with some such fairy tale yourself.  There's another fairy tale (perhaps the same one, but I'm not sure) that reminds me of the part where they get the sunstone from the brain of the calf.

There are a few similarities to the Lord of the Rings, but it's definitely not what I would call a Lord of the Rings look-a-like.  Here are the common elements:
* It is fantasy
* There is magic
* The main characters are chased
* There is a ring (and it seems like the ring is magical, but I'm not so sure)
* Dragons exist in the world (although there were no dragons in the Lord of the Rings, there was one in the Hobbit, which took place in the same world).

This reminds me more of something like Princess Mononoke than the Lord of the Rings, to be quite honest.  There's a lot more action in here than the Lord of the Rings.  The battle scenes seem more personable than in the movies of the Lord of the Rings.

I like how the Frog isn't easily conquered - how it recurs from scene to scene.

Overall, I like it, though I would suggest having an editor go over it with a fine toothed comb, so the saying goes (for grammar and wording, mostly).  Also, I would suggest making it clearer to the reader what is going on and why, as I was rather confused in the first few scenes.  I think some history could be useful.  Often, there were elements introduced as if they had been talked about before, without explanation.  Is this the beginning, or somewhere in the middle?  I guess I should take a look at your other post (maybe I should have first).

Also, it seemed as if the two were married nearer the beginning, but then it talked about how they were going to get married.  i.e.:
> Cuillaume tries to blow some life in to his bride.
was before
> therefore I want to wed you to be husband and wife.

Thanks for letting me read this.  I enjoy this sort of thing.  I do want to know more about it, though, as I really didn't know much about the history (i.e. why they were doing what they were doing, and what everyone's motives were).

Are you trying to make it like the Lord of the Rings, or are you trying to make it unlike the Lord of the Rings?  There are a lot of books out there that try to mimic it - unless it's an assignment or something, I wouldn't really recommend mimicking it, as your own style looks more original, even though you use stuff from fairy tales (not many people do that so much).  A lot of people don't like it when stories are too close to the Lord of the Rings (as they'll compare the two, and because they knew the Lord of the Rings first, that is the one they're liable to end up liking more).

[John M. Silver]

Thank you for your long reply. I post here the synopsis, it is hard to read, as there is no paragraphs, not much detail, or dialog, but I hope you see what it contains, and can tell where I need to make changes...

“THE MEGALITH” - “The Gate of Aasa, Quenby, and The Journey of The Prince
The Slayer of Dragons”

..
(took it off the forum, because of possible piracy, ask me, if you care to read it)

[Cordilow]

Wow.  That is quite the story.  The synopsis is easier to read than I would have thought, without paragraphs and all as it was.  That means it was enjoyable, even if it needs some editorial changes.

Anyway, I see more of that fairy tale I was telling you about.  It's a good tale, actually, and it's nice to see the idea incorporated into a screenplay.

What kind of movie do you plan it to be?  Will it be like a normal movie with special effects, or more like anime?

Is the name Toonemaa meant to look Finnish?

I noticed you mentioned Iceland.  So, is this Earth, then?

I suppose this is meant to be a basic summary of everything that happens, but remember to find a good way to sum up the entire story well in a single paragraph of a few sentences (this won't have to include all the details).  Such a summary is rather useful, and needful when you show this to editors/publishers and such (I don't know how this works in the movie business).  If you're producing your own movie, though, I guess it's not a huge deal, but it would still be good practice to try.

Is there anything you're curious about specifically that you want me to talk about?

[John M. Silver]

==What kind of movie do you plan it to be?  
---high fantasy epic

==Will it be like a normal movie with special effects, or more like anime?
---Live action special effects...

==Is the name Toonemaa meant to look Finnish? - you are close, it is cross the sea from Finland - Estonia. Does it bother you, can change it, but, it is a müstical afterlife place, like the Tuonela river in Finnish Kalevala, where the peaces of Lemminkäinen were scattered, and from where they were raked together, and he was brought back to live again. ...

==I noticed you mentioned Iceland.  So, is this Earth, then? Iceland had the meaning of end of the world, as far as the ancients knew to go, as much I know.

 ==find a good way to sum up the entire story well in a single paragraph of a few sentences
-- is this what you meant?
Quenby finds and saves Prince Mac Cuillaume, her true love.  Cuillaume assisted by dwarves, the wind, and the birds saves her from the enchanted forest, the underworld, and from the fiery dragon of chaos in fierce battles, and can with her open a new dimension of eternal youth at the gate of Aasa, the henge of the ancient temple.

--I have been working on one to two page synopsis, but it is not ready.

==Is there anything you're curious about specifically that you want me to talk about?
--You have been positive about the writing, thank you, but What would you compare it to, if there any comparason possible?  
-- if you know how to bring it to the attention of the right target group, or someone who would be emotionally or financially be able to benefit from it? Why do you care?

[Cordilow]

> Estonia. Does it bother you

It doesn't bother me at all.  I think it's a good choice, actually.  Estonia is known (at least to me, since I've read some from there, I believe, though I don't recall which ones) for fairy tales, and I think stuff from it works well in fantasy settings—Scandinavia too, for the fantasy setting.  We need more fantasy books from places like Estonia, I think (Americans don't know a lot about Estonia, usually, though, if you care about what Americans know.) I only know a few things myself, and those are about the language: Estonian is related to Finnish and Hungarian; a name I made up turned out to be an Estonian word . . . and the ancient fairy tale thing.


>>find a good way to sum up the entire story well in a single paragraph of a few sentences
> is this what you meant? . . .

This is exactly what I mean.  Good job.  I was impressed reading through it the first time.  Many novel-writers at least have an extremely difficult time doing this.


>. . . but What would you compare it to, if there any comparison possible?  
> -- if you know how to bring it to the attention of the right target group, or someone who would be emotionally or financially be able to benefit from it?

Actually, I do have a comparison and know of a target group, but I don't know how pleased you'll be with my thoughts if you're going for a live action movie.  This, as a movie, I think would make a great animé movie (like those done by Hayao Miyazaki).  It reminds me much of Princess Mononoke (one of Hayao Miyazaki's films; you should watch some of these, if you haven't), with maybe a little Spirited Away thrown in.  I'm sure his fans would eat it up if it was done fairly well.  I actually thought this was what you were going for when I first read it (and I also thought you were likely Japanese).  I don't know if he does other people's stuff, but after the editing and all, if he got to take a look at it, I wonder if he would help—that's hoping, though, as he's likely rich and famous and hard to get a hold of, but it is just the sort of thing he'd probably do himself, although I'm sure he'd make it even more noticeably abstract/symbolic and in more ways).  I don't know how much the average Lord of the Rings fan (or high fantasy reader in general) would go for this, as a movie, but likely not nearly as much as the Miyazaki fans and those who like Japanese anime.  The novel, however, could have a much broader audience more easily, I think.

I think this would be really cool, actually, done in the Japanese style.  I would definitely recommend considering it (plus, I'm sure it would cost less to make the move, this way).  I think it could be more difficult getting the mood and style right in a live action film.

You might also consider making a Final Fantasy style RPG video game of this, after doing the movie.  I wouldn't be too worried about making sure the movie, the novel, and the game (if you do the game) match up in all places (people will probably complain about that no matter what you do) so much as I would making them both good in their own ways (ways that the other can't be good with so easily).

> Why do you care?
Here are several reasons why I care and why I chose to critique this—some are more selfish than others:
* I know there's good stuff out there, and not all of it has perfect grammar.
* I like Japanese anime, and this reminds me of it.
* I like fantasy stories with more adventure and personal stuff than battles between large and obscure armies, full of odd politics.
* I like ancient fairy tales and I'm familiar with some involved; I like to see old things that people usually aren't familiar with re-done, or re-used.
* I like to study cultures and languages.
* I liked certain things about the style.
* I want to help you get some things together so the average reader won't have so many unasked questions (those are the ones writers need to worry about most, I think: what people think, but are rarely willing to make the effort to say, due to how much something else sticks out to them that they feel is more important to talk about: like they might with the grammar issue)
* This was one of my first opportunities to read a screen play.
* I'm trying to keep these forums active (and get more people coming).
* I like to help people with stuff like this.

I better get going.  Do well!

[John M. Silver]

*We need more fantasy books from places like Estonia, I think (Americans don't know a lot about Estonia, usually, though, if you care about what Americans know.)
---I think UK and the old Europe is much less pleased with the Eastern Europe, but in US I never noticed any predjudice.

* but I don't know how pleased you'll be with my thoughts if you're going for a live action movie.
I'm sure his fans would eat it up if it was done fairly well.  I actually thought this was what you were going for when I first read it (and I also thought you were likely Japanese).  I don't know how much the average Lord of the Rings fan (or high fantasy reader in general) would go for this, as a movie, but likely not nearly as much as the Miyazaki fans and those who like Japanese anime.  The novel, however, could have a much broader audience more easily, I think. I think this would be really cool, actually, done in the Japanese style.  I would definitely recommend considering it (plus, I'm sure it would cost less to make the move, this way).  I think it could be more difficult getting the mood and style right in a live action film. -

----- I will need a litle tome to think of this and adjust if needed, I was thinking of digitized Jack Nicholson character for Gwendamort, as I would not be able to afford himself (but CGI is also expencive when done right). Some people have thought it cost in Eastern Europe, when shoot with some star power around 5m USD, It looks like 80m but it can be done with much less. There may be no reason to do it for little money, if there is distributor interest, which for the moment needs to be found. I don’t know the anime budgets at all, have to check in to it.


*movie, the novel, and the game
–--- not a bad idea just need to take it step at a time, and some toys, and some wizard drink, and ... there is alot of ways to market it and take it to the people: Ancillary: Soundtrack, Novelisation, PPV, VOD, Merchandise, Music publishing, Computer games, Planes, Ships at sea, Prison systems, Hotels, Internet, Audio Books, Live stage play. Derivative Rights: Sequels, Presales, TV-Spin off


* I know there's good stuff out there, and not all of it has perfect grammar.
--- it takes faith and trust to look behind the grammar, formating is usually the first to take the screenplay reade down, -- if you can’t even get the format right, then it is impossible to read it. I am sure the grammar is as important for a novel, no doubt. ===”* I want to help you get some things together so the average reader won't have so many unasked questions (those are the ones writers need to worry about most, I think: what people think, but are rarely willing to make the effort to say, due to how much something else sticks out to them that they feel is more important to talk about: like they might with the grammar issue)”

* I'm trying to keep these forums active (and get more people coming).
---– I know what you mean, just that I never got my forum going, (http://www.quicksummer.com/?topic=forum) I think I started most subjects myself, and people just run off, and for a username they see my (and their own) full name, which is a good idea, unless one wants to write something they don’t desire associated with their name. I use an alias here, as I still think Eastern European name is probably looked over.  

* I like to help people with stuff like this.
Thanks

[stenoeyes]

I honestly never knew how hard and complicated screenwriting was until recently. Im a film student at the International Academy of Film and Television and we were tasked to go over Robert Mckee’s Story: [url=http://www.filmschool.ph]Substance, Structure, Style and The Principles of Screenwriting book[/url].  I’m not even half way through it but its obvious what he wants to convey. The essence of a good story is unchanging and universal.  These well crafted stories, the ones with multiple layers that follow a proven classical guidelines for story telling are products of an age-old craft. A craft that has been developed step by step for ages.  Definitely not a walk in the park!

[John M. Silver]

Thanks for your thought, so you think I need adittional touches made for the play. I think I am too close to it myself, and blinded by my persomal bias. A fresh mind would be good to have some insight, but how do you go about aquireing it.

[CybaSumo]

yup! it really seems like the lord of the rings, especially the characters names, try to be a lil bit imaginative regarding the names... and i think you'll be fine!

[John M. Silver]

thanks CUBASUMO seems like good venture as well. I think I have one name Gwendamort, who by accident reminds you of Voldemort in LTR, but it is not intentional. Would you care to suggest a proper name for the devilish antagonist?