Hi, new to forum, want harsh critique, first abstract writing, pleased to meet you

[mtorti]

oracle shines an increasingly bright spotlight
knowing too much considered a severe limitation -
if temporary then each moment is forever.

so close to not existing at all
out of sharp focus, but legiable
the suspension of disbelief
tick-tock clock.

Hands used as objects for desire, human dignity is pressed.
If we are fearless we are absent.

at a time where we live with a man-made feature to mock the hand of God,
where we create to develop
chemicals to math
math to ubiquity,
bottom-less pit
bottom-less pit
bottom-less pit
bottom-less pit

standing on the edge of infinity, its funny how currency provides us an emergency alarm.

[Shad]

No harsh critique needed my friend, this is a brilliant piece of work!!!!


Pen On <3

[LiatrisPunctata4]

It's very abstract........
Why do you repeat bottomless pit?

[ceza]

I dont understand the progression between the stanzas- if they are meant to be fragmented, maybe it should be more so, otherwise more fluidity. in some ways its quite t.s. eliot: the disembodied body parts the disillusionment with the state of society, the meaningless ritualistic objects. Its good, I like it, but i dont think the ideas are new, its a shame because for example in your last bit 'standing on the edge...' (which i like)  'it's funny' makes it seem like a comment on society- the comment has already been made though. Perhaps I'm not understanding what is new about it- I do have gaps in my understanding of this: I dont get the beginning (what 'oracle'??), nor some of your observations,e.g. 'if temporary then each moment is forever', how does this relate to the bit before it? It is a bit of a strggle to get through the poem although maybe that works. I think its also a bit like regina spektor's lyrics, if you know her. the churningout of sounds, the rhythm, the production of repeated machine like phrases.i like the bottom less pit. hope this helps?