Critique My Prologue, please :]

[Kailey]

This is the Prologue to my story(all i have so far on it) and I want it to be critiqued. Other places either don't reply for a long time or give really short reviews. So I'm going to try this one and see what happens. By the way, I'm very serious about this so don't give me a two-word review, please. Critique honestly and openly.
Thanks,
Kailey~

14 years earlier


        “Ava…I’m sorry, darling. I can’t do this anymore,” Celia sighed. “I am sending you somewhere. These creatures will care for you. They will protect you. I know they will; there’s nothing to worry about.”
        She sounded more as if she was talking to herself than to the curious baby wrapped in a furry blanket lying on the stump. She was having mixed feelings about this sending. A strange intuition had been gripping her since she had walked into the forest, intent on sending Ava on her way. To be safe and cared for.
        It’s not as if something bad will happen, right?
        Celia was constantly paranoid about magic and such, but her dear friend, Rayna, had swerved her in the direction that believed nothing was wrong with it. Well, long ago, anyway.
        Her paranoia was coming back, stronger than ever. Nevertheless, she had to do this; she couldn’t go on with Ava. It was tearing her life apart. Moreover, Ava was in danger. People saw the pointed ears and questions brewed. Celia’s explanation was that they were not real.  But excuses were wearing thin. Everyone glared at her; mothers covered their children’s eyes when Celia passed them with Ava on her hip. Aparently, she was a bad example for children--but, seriously, what child who saw Ava would spend thousands of dollars for plastic surgery on their baby? Insane scientists wanted to run tests on her to see if they were real. Such a thing was impossible though.
        Or was it?
        Celia’s thoughts flowed away from the past and came back to their location. They were nearly at the heart of Larix forest in a small clearing surrounded by yellow poplars. They were humongous, towering over her and the rest of the forest as if they were the dominant species. It was evening; the sun was finally settling down for the night, sinking below the tree line, and splashing yellows and reds on its personal easel as a final farewell. The wind whispered through the open space, brushing Celia’s hair about her face. She shivered slightly.
        A soft blue glow emanated from the deceased tree.
        “Ava…” A voice echoed.
        Celia started.
        “Who was that?” She demanded, snatching the helpless baby into her arms.
        “No need to fear. We are the ones to take Ava to Terek.”
        Celia relaxed and immediately returned the baby to her place on the stump, watching it with wary eyes.
        “We have been observing you for the past few months.”
        “And?” She questioned, lifting her suspicious gaze to Ava.
        “I understand your situation completely and agree with your solution. She will be safe and happy here in Terek.”
        “I hope so.” Celia whispered, looking at the ground.
        “Please go stand at the edge of the clearing, Celia.”
        She obediently trotted over and stood next to an unusually tall poplar at the eastern edge. Her right hand reflexively touched its trunk.                                        
        I wonder what I had to do this for.
        Her mind was frantically whispering, "Will she be okay? Will she be okay?"
        She was thinking about sprinting to the middle of the clearing, snatching up the baby, and running for her life. Her paranoia could change her mind in a heartbeat; all it took was a few words to send her spiraling into an abyss of questions and suspicions…It was always with magic, though, because she was usually open to anything that would keep her away from it. Or save people from it.
       “So how is she going to get there?” Celia called to the stump. She felt insane. She was talking to a tree, for gods' sake.
       “We’re taking care of it.”
       A strong eruption of wind ripped through the clearing, making the trees groan with the effort to not rip from the ground. The sky darkened maliciously, clouds appeared where just second ago reds and purples and fading yellows were blending together into the perfect sunset. It felt like a tornado was flying around the area. Celia desperately looked to where Ava was supposed to be, shielding her eyes from the cutting wind. Surely, she had been torn from the stump and flung into space by the mere strength of it. But Ava was unharmed. Not even the blanket so much as moved an inch. The supposed tornado was threatening to force Celia to the ground and drag her, but she was hanging on to the giant poplar with as much willpower as she could muster; her arms barely reached around its trunk, legs flying out behind her. Her eyes were squeezed shut, canceling out any view of this maelstrom. Leaves were yanked from the branches of the trees and flung at Celia. She could feel them scraping across her calves and arms. It seemed like this destruction was aimed at her, but there was no reason it should be. It was unusual that she hadn’t already been torn away from her savior.
        Her feet magically floated to the ground so that she was standing now.
        Let go.
        Something was talking to her through her thoughts.
        Huh? She asked her mental intruder.
        Let go…
        As absurd as it sounded, she couldn’t disobey. Celia cautiously wrapped her arms from around the poplar and put them at her sides. No flying off into space, yet. She noticed that the wind wasn’t even touching her.
        Could it be a magical force field?
        She experimentally walked forward a step. It was the same as if she was walking on her front yard. The chaos still swarmed around her, but she didn’t feel any of it. It was terrifying to watch. Fast-moving objects made her uneasy.
        Stay back, the voice ordered.
        Celia stepped back until she was against the tree. Leaves and loose bark flew around the clearing hitting against everything. Even though they were these minor objects, they inflicted a lot of damage. Where bark hit the ground it tore chunks of dirt and grass out of it, compelling them to join the destruction. She knew now that it was definitely a mini-tornado. Celia heard the poplars groan again and saw them leaning toward the center, halfway out of the ground.
        Then, it all abruptly stopped. The leaves drifted to the ground, the bark crashed down into the dirt as if they were anvils, the yellow poplars settled back into the grass, showing no sign they had been struggling to remain intact with their beloved earth. The sun peeked out from over the tree line again. Her force field disintegrated; she felt the wind on her face. As the turmoil left, eight figures shimmered into place around the stump.  
        Ava was still here.
        Celia was about to ask what was going on when they started chanting. They were obviously elves, obviously from Terek. All dressed in blue robes flowing down to their feet. They looked graceful. Four women, four men. Divided like a kindergarten class—boy, girl, boy, girl. But the fact that they were elves was not what shocked her the most. She could only see two of the elves’ faces--the ones across from her--but they were beautiful. The woman was astonishingly gorgeous, with wide piercing blue eyes that glowed faintly. Her hair was long and blonde, sweeping down her back and ending in a graceful curl upward. The elf’s pointed ears were exhibited clearly through her glorious hair. Her body was slim and curvy, almost like a model but it didn’t have the almost-dead look. The robe fit snugly on her, crediting her shape. She had high cheekbones and full lips.
        Then her gaze shifted from the female to the male. He was just as handsome as she was. He had muscles but not the kind you would be afraid of. He didn’t look like the usual over-buff, exercise-obsessed, power-lifter dude with the scary-looking veins popping out of his arms type of guy. They actually made him look attractive. And they weren’t nearly that big. He had short, spiky, dark brown hair that made him look younger for some reason. His ears were longer than the female’s. His eyes weren’t as wide as hers but just as beautiful. They were a deep sapphire; she could swear she saw small facets in his irises where the light was glinting off them. Also, unlike the women, the men’s robes were cut off at the shoulder.
        This looked like a circle of angels.
        The group of elves lifted their arms above their heads and closed their eyes, tipping their faces to the setting sun. They were chanting faster now, some gibberish that Celia could only dream to understand. Nature responded quickly. The sun rose a little higher, the branches rose higher, Celia even rose an inch off the ground. The grass straightened and reached for the stars, leaves left over from the tumult rose off the ground. Ava rose too. Then they stopped chanting and everything went back to normal. Celia gently lowered onto the waving grass. The angel-look-a-likes resumed chanting but a different thing happened. Dust fell from the sky. Gold dust.
        “Whoa. What is that?” She murmured. It was beautiful and shiny flecks of gold.
        The dust glided down and hung in the air around the stump, creating a sphere. It had countless gaps, so she could still see Ava.
        The chanting got louder but they didn’t seem to show any effort in raising their voices. The gold flecks sealed the bowl, closing all the gaps and shutting off her view from Ava. She reached out tentatively. The sphere rose five feet above the stump, glowing like melted gold. Then it exploded into a billion rays of golden light, blinding her for a brief moment and sending spots across her line of sight. They disappeared from her vision a short moment later and she could see again.
        It was amazing! The light was so bright it could have easily gone ten miles from here, but it was locked in the clearing. Magic. It lighted up every blade of grass, every stone, every leaf, branch, tree, person. It looked like she was in some fantasy land designed by Apollo. The elves were floating inches off the ground in a position that looked like they were being sacrificed. Their eyes were shooting green beams at Ava.
        Suddenly the light was sucked back into where the sphere used to be. The elves lowered themselves to the ground. Everything looked dim and lifeless. The golden rays had shown Celia how much life and radiance could be in a place. This looked like a graveyard on a gloomy night in comparison.
        Ava was gone.
        The elves smiled and vanished.
        The clearing looked just like it did when she had arrived with Ava. But the difference was that she didn’t have Ava anymore. She was in Terek now.
        Celia tightened her ponytail and stuffed her hands in her jacket pockets. She walked out of the clearing to the east, head down.
        “I-I hope she'll be okay.” She stuttered, biting her lip.
        “She will.”
        Celia froze and turned to look over her shoulder. She saw the gorgeous elf that was opposite her a few minutes ago, but she was translucent and smiling.
        Celia faced the trees swiftly and bolted through the forest, trying to get out as soon as possible.
        This is enough magic for one day.
       
       

[bloodstone]

Hi.
     What is written so far is interesting to say the least.  I did find one thing I think is a grammatical error.  "lighted" I think should have been "lit"  but I could be wrong.
     Now for the questions, which I'm sure would be answered if i had the whole story.  Why is Celia afraid of magic?  Is it evil or bad in your world?  Why does Ava (by the way very pretty name) have pointed ears?  Is she half elf?  Why does this seem to cause difficulty with other parents?  Where is Terek?  Is it another country or another plane of existance?  Celia is Ava's mother, right?  If she is, who is the father?  Is that who will raise Ava?  Like I said, I'm sure these would be answered in time, but they are what pop in my head right away.
     I'm not sure if this really helps at all, but I did like what I read.  I hope you have more soon, and good luck.
          Bloodstone

[Kailey]

Hello :]
Thanks for being honest bloodstone! Yes it was supposed to be "lit"(Oops!)
I'll answer those questions for you.
1 Celia is afraid of magic because she's been around it all her life; Rayna pulled her into the world of magic. She fears its power.
2 Only a few select people even know about magic in the human world; there are different types. Dark magic is bad and Light magic is good. Different people have different opinions.
3 Ava(Thanks! :]) has pointed ears because she is half-elf.
4 Terek is an elven city in Lebithya(another world).
5 I don't want to reveal too much because it's going to be later in the story, but Celia is not Ava's mother. Her father was captured and killed in Lebithya. The person who will raise Ava is going to be the herbalist of Terek.
I suppose I should type up a page of the summary and characters just to let you guys know what's what in the story! :]
Any other questions?
Just ask!

[Cordilow]

>  She sounded more as if she was* talking to herself than …
*Use 'were' (subjunctive tense) instead of 'was' if she wasn't really talking to herself.

> … intent on sending Ava on her way.* To be safe and cared for.
*You might want to make these one sentence.

> … nothing was wrong with it.* Well, long ago, anyway.
*Same as above—although many published authors do this in the context of this sentence (not so much for the first one). So, it's not a huge deal. An em dash there instead could change it—although it probably doesn't matter much.

I'm feeling like it might be better to have a little back story on what Celia is doing, or how she knows anything about the entities that come to take Ava to Terek. It feels kind of disconnected without it. We don't know what Celia knows about magic. We only know she knows of it. We don't know what she knows about elves, nor how she came to be in contact with them.

> … making the trees groan with the effort to not* rip from the ground.
*This is a split infinitive. To fix it, say 'not to rip' instead. For some odd reason, grammar people think we shouldn't have words in between 'to' and the verb (for infinitives), even though it can be less ambiguous at times.
*I might actually recommend rewording this sentence for other reasons, though. The trees themselves probably aren't the things doing the ripping. Something like this might be preferred:
… the trees groan with the effort to stay rooted.
Or whatever. You could even do something more elegant than my suggestion, though, if you wanted.

> The sky darkened maliciously, clouds appeared where just second ago reds and* purples and fading yellows were blending together into the perfect sunset.
*It might be good to put a comma here instead of 'and', although the current way does flow nicely.

> Leaves were* yanked from the branches of the trees and flung at Celia.
*This is passive voice. It's generally discouraged, although it happens from time to time. Rewording it so that you say what yanked the branches (without using the word 'by' for this) will fix the issue. Or, you could make the leaves do the action. You could leave it this way, but I would recommend against it, personally.

>  It seemed like this destruction was* aimed at her …
Even though this is passive voice, too, it would likely pass unnoticed.

> Her eyes were* squeezed shut, canceling out any view of this maelstrom.
*More passive voice.

> It was unusual that she hadn’t already been* torn away from her savior.
*More passive voice. It can take effort to rework your style to avoid this, but it's definitely worth it in the long run, and it should help you develop a certain creativity that can be otherwise difficult to obtain.

> As absurd as it sounded, she couldn’t disobey.
One reason I think we should have some back story is that the reader won't know whether this should be absurd or not until you say so. We don't know how well she knows these people or whatever they are, that are taking Ava. Letting us know some hows and whys of your magic should help, too.

>  … wide* piercing* blue eyes …
* I might recommend saying “… wide, piercing, blue eyes”. I believe the commas are supposed to be there like this (at least, it's not wrong to put them there).

> The elf’s pointed ears were* exhibited clearly through her glorious hair.
* More passive voice.

>  Suddenly the light was* sucked back into
* More passive voice.

Anyway, enough about all that. It's a cool story. I like it. The magic starts to feel less disconnected and more cool at the end, since Celia continually admires these new things (although it is odd that we don't have an explanation as to why). The storm-thing was a little lengthy, but that might just be me. I see a coincidence here with something I had written some years ago (nothing key to the story, per se—just a coincidence), but we won't go into that. It's amazing how stuff like that can happen. I'm almost eager to share that bit (though I'd rather do it in private, if at all).

I like your writing style, mostly. It's nice.

I'm not sure how I feel about Celia yet. Is this a good/bad thing she's doing, or are we supposed to wonder?

Sorry for taking so long to get this to you. Thanks for posting, too—and feel free to critique other stuff here and help us grow. Also, we're on the lookout for new private critique forum members—so if you'd like to fill the requirements for that, please do. Just look at the forum rules for more information.

Thanks! Good luck on the story.

[bloodstone]

Cordilow,
     Besides monotiny, it there a reason to avoid the passive voice?  If it's not over done, I don't think most people would notice it at all.
          Bloodstone

[Cordilow]

Sure, there are several reasons. Occasional (or rather infrequent) use
isn't particularly frowned upon, however, unless it appears unnecessary.
I don't know if you want to throw it out all at once, though—it can be
pretty difficult if you've never tried before (but it can be fun, too).
Try avoiding it where you can, for starters. Don't stop writing just
because you're used to using passive voice. The story is more important
than the grammar (as grammar can be fixed).

• Editors/publishers often frown on it.
• It's more clear to use active voice. I mean, with active voice you
have to say who is doing what. It involves the readers a little
more—contributing some to the "show don't tell" principle so many praise
these days:
e.g.
Passive voice: The dog was walked, today. (Anyone could have walked the
dog, for all we know.)
Active voice: Jan walked the dog, today.
This, however, is also passive voice (adding a prepositional phrase
won't save it): The dog was walked by Jan.
• Avoiding it forces you to write actively—in a way that will likely
hold the attention of readers better. This isn't to say that we should
avoid passive voice altogether. There are times when it contributes well
to a nice style.
• It will often bother many people who are aware of it—so much so that
they might not continue reading.
• Most published novels don't use it much. Look for it as you read
books. You'll see it, but not much.
• It's frowned upon in other kinds of writing, too (i.e. academic and such).

Of course, passive voice is more acceptable in some circles than others.
As a general rule, though, you should at least be familiar with the art
of avoiding it—even if you do use it.

Here are some tips on dealing with passive voice:
• Instead of translating passive voice into active voice directly, try
rewording the sentence entirely. You may not even have to face the
issue, this way.
• Making your passive voice less noticeable when you do use it is
something I strongly encourage. Not everyone will recognize it if it's
not in its classic form (and if they do recognize it, it may seem
trivial, if you play your cards right).

Anyway, having said all that, I'm sure there are some publishers that
don't mind it as much. I'm not really sure, though.

[Dolphinia]

Just a thought but you might start this prologue a little earlier in the story to help out with some of the smaller issues pertaining to Celia. What I mean is maybe starting with a dialogue between her friend Rayna and herself prior to her going into the forest. They could talk about what brought Celia to such a drastic decision, about Ava not being her child but her ward, things like that, even about her fear of magic and the elves of Terek. Overall not a bad prologue Cordilow already pointed out the majority of the grammar, the rest is just a simple read over to make sure it all fits together like you want. I like it, read the first chapter which you posted here too, I think it's shaping up to be a great story keep at it. D.

[gracewriter]

I'm new, so take with a grain of salt - I write for a living, so I'm anal about the technical stuff and easier on the deeper plot type stuff, OK?

Don't start sentences with 'and' or 'but. It disrupts the flow.

That said, the best part was the bit about people's reaction to Ava - that's when I got pulled in and started being invested in the story.

I also think you can edit the section right before the elves show up - the leaves flying etc part drags on just a touch too long.

My 2 cents, don't spend them both in the same place - I quite possibly am full of it!

:)