Chapter 1

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Kailey

Chapter 1

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Yes...It is kind of short.Chapter 1

        A maze. Everlasting stone walls painted black by death. Paths riddled with the skeletons of creatures who, long ago, desperately tried to escape their predictable passing. There was no way they could have survived. The executioners here were exceptionally unique. The walls thrummed with their power, their greed for souls. It was extremely disturbing to Ava. But, she believed she could get out. She wasn’t like other creatures. She was a half-elf, the first one in centuries.
        She ran down the pathways, having no idea where she was headed. She was in a huge, mysterious cavern. A blood red sun hung in the right corner of the humongous cave, splashing everything with an unsettling deep crimson. Glittering blue crystals dangled from the ceiling; the sun only reached its bloody fingers to touch the ends of the crystals allowing them to shine their facets on the stone walls like a disco ball. Every foot of the cave--other than the maze--was covered in a gloomy city. The atmosphere felt eerie and malicious. There was no doubt in her mind that something was coming for her in the maze. Soon.
        Her mind was screaming at her to get out. So that’s what she was doing; Ava usually trusted her instincts.
        She twisted down halls that had no significant meaning to her. Mainly whichever was closest and heading west. She was trying her luck with another one of her intuitions. Usually in a maze they assumed you would head the way that would be open on the outside which was never the way out in this kind of predicament. She was in a labyrinth full of skeletons in a cavern that enclosed a metropolis and a blood red sun. This was no common garden maze behind a harmonious castle; the rules would be different. She was sprinting for the wall. As she progressed through the maze, she indicated her route by getting small bones and carving an “A” into them with her knife--it was an irreplaceable switchblade created by the leader of Terek. He had given it to her when she fulfilled her first quest. She found adhesive slime inside a fissure in the rock and stuck the bones to the opening of each passage she took. Always heading west, she soon made it to the periphery.
        There was no door, no hallway, not even a crawlspace; it was just a wall with pictures on it. She barely even paid attention to the weird drawings. The only thought in her mind was that, for once, her intuitions had been wrong. Ava stepped forward, looking more closely at her supposed escape route.
        The etching in the walls was clearly identifiable as cavemen sketches. The only difference was the content of the pictures. They were very descriptive; most were drawings of people boiling in cauldrons and some hanging from the gallows. Others were being enveloped in flames, submerged in endless lakes, or devoured by massive beasts in body armor. The tension and panic of the condemned people rolled off of the walls in waves, enfolding Ava in their worries. She recoiled, horrified. Somehow she knew these deaths had actually happened.
        Ava continued to recede until her back was pressed against the sinister blood-spattered stone. Then the voices came; thousands of tortured souls shrieking for help clouded her already distraught mind. She cowered into the dirt; shielding her ears to stop the screams, though she knew it wouldn’t do any good. Memories flooded through her of the deaths. She felt their exact emotions through each one; it felt like she was dying over and over again. Their thoughts also came with the fatality package.
        Ava was crying, her tears sliding down her cheeks and splashing onto the earth. She clutched her stomach as she sank onto her side. The sensible part of her mind was still working, though. Don’t scream.
        “Happens every time,” someone laughed heartily. “Still never gets old.”
        The souls stopped their tormenting pleas as soon as she heard his voice. Wiping salty tears from her face and forcing the memories out of her mind, she struggled to her feet.
        “Uhh. As a heads up, don’t look at the wall again.” The thing advised when Ava was beginning to turn and confront the speaker.
        She immediately stopped and stood staring at the cold stones of the wall opposite the gruesome pictures. “It would help if I could see you.” She was shivering.
        “How would that help?”
        “You know. Ease my suspicions of who you are.” Her eyes traced the patterns of blood.
        “What do you mean ‘who I am’?”
        “For all I know, you could be here to kill me.” Ava said warily, cringing at the thought of joining the wall of souls.
        He laughed. “Nah, why would I be here to kill you?”
        “Do you not even notice this place? There are things trapped in that wall. It seems suspicious that you would just show up like this.”
        “None of those are elves, Miss,” he assured, reading her thoughts.
        Ava said nothing, just stood thinking about all the gruesome ways she could die.
        Her curiosity was growing and she could stand it no longer. She had to see what this thing was.
        Whirling around, she froze in awe and fear of his appearance.
        The creature before her was tall and wore black armor that covered everything but his head. Chains wrapped around him in the shape of an X on his torso. He had a steel helmet with horns sticking up from each side and his face was like a bulldog; two teeth twisted out and up from his mouth. Also like a bulldog, he had fur. His eyes were big and beady. But his pupils were white and his irises were a bright red. In his left hand was a scythe covered in blood stains.
        The creature grinned when he saw Ava’s shocked expression. Then her gaze shifted, without thinking, to the wall.
        There weren’t any pictures. They were gone.
        “Where did they go?” She asked, taken aback.
        He glanced over his shoulder at the picture-less wall then twisted his head around to face Ava, mimicking her look. Except it looked unusually out of place on a dog’s face.
        “Whoa. You are her. I had a feeling.”
        “I’m who?”
        “Doesn’t matter now.” He said quickly.
        His bulldog face became very serious and his red eyes stared off into space. A voice spoke an introduction, but it wasn’t the creatures’. “I am the spirit of Death.”—Ava flinched—“You are here to take The Five Tests of Knowledge and Fortitude. If you pass each of them, you will acquire an object. If you fail, you shall never know of the power you possess.”
        Power I possess? Ava thought. What power?
        The deity’s eyes refocused and he returned to his amused self. Ava observed as he tapped the base of the scythe on the soil and a large portion of the wall behind him slid up revealing a staircase that led down into enigmatic darkness. Her intuition had been right after all. But this didn’t look like a way out.
        “So, Ava Namir, are you ready to take your first test?” He grinned.


        Ava woke up, shaking. The bulldog man’s face still reverberated in her mind as did his words. Tests?
        I should talk to Noretta about this.
        Contemplating, Ava headed out of her tree house after sliding into her pants and blue sweater. Ava threw on her coat and scarf; she walked out of the herbalists’ home. She lived with two sisters--her guardians--who were in the herb department. Karina was already gone to her shop and, obviously, Noretta had hurried to her lab for some odd reason. Usually she slept in.
        The community of Terek was made in the trees; trees for houses, bridges for streets.
Shops were constructed of wooden platforms suspended from thick green vines with intricately designed cloths surrounding them, usually with the name of the shop woven into the front. A rectangle was cut out under the name and used for a doorway. A selected elf came out and cut small holes above the doorway and weaved strands of beads through them, letting the beads form a door that shimmered from all the various colors. The shops were usually positioned about ten feet from the main bridge; they built side bridges heading to the shops. On those ropes, they hung lanterns and colored lights so they were not hard to miss; the form and color of the lights generally coincided with the shop type and were turned on during night hours. Around the vines in Terek they twirled more colored lights that were left on all the time, showing up in daytime as brilliant as beacons at nighttime.
        The town was protectively shrouded in thick canopies, making anything outside of their little haven unable to sense their existence. Each elf owned their own tree in Terek and their homes were carved into them; using the whole tree, the average quantity of rooms was between twenty and twenty-eight. Most of these rooms were used for guest rooms, studies, libraries, garden areas, and further. Stairs wound down through the tree with exit areas on each floor.
        At the base of every tree lay a door leading out onto a huge farm that produced everything from peppers to strawberries and had a diversity of cattle, sheep, and species never even dreamed of in the human world, though the animals were never eaten. Herbalists used them for their blood and other liquids to form remedies. These fields were tended by elves every day and kept healthy. Artificial lights hung from vines stretched between the trees, shining luminously down onto the ranch from every angle; not one inch was unlit. At night the lights over the animals were switched off, allowing them to sleep. Docile wolves patrolled the perimeter due to the lack of walls; anything could come between the trees.
        Terek was formed in rings. The outside ring was made up of shops and less important buildings; the second inner ring was made of the homes of elves; the inner ring was composed of the town hall, where all the government affairs were faced, and the more important elves.
        Ava walked briskly through the magnificent town, heading to the school. The scarf blew wildly around her in the cold wind, signifying that Fall was coming to an end and Winter was beginning its reign over the land.
        Surprisingly she didn’t see any elves as she passed through the sturdy bridge-streets. That was odd since, usually, there were many elves out-and-about this time of day. Another odd thought hit her: it was market day.
        Something must be wrong, she thought.
        Suddenly Ava was afraid. But she had grown up here; so there was no reason to be frightened. Even if she didn’t remember all of her life.
        Ava asked the same question every day: What really happened when I was little? She knew she was different. Ava remembered nothing from when she was very little; she only knew about her baby years from stories that her guardian told her. These stories had filled the empty spaces of her memory and they were left unquestioned while she was left open-minded.
        She tried to think of reasonable explanations for there to be no elves on the streets. But only one of them could be fitted to this description.
        Maybe there was a town meeting.
        Quickening her pace, Ava rounded the corners and flew across bridges. She had to find her guardian. Now.
        Her guardian, Noretta, used the old school as her study/laboratory. She was a herbalist who loved coming up with ingenious recipes for every sickness known. Right now she was working on a foreign illness from Serbania--an island to the south of their island, Catela--called Hopkin’s Disease.
        Reaching the tree to Outside, she unlocked the door with a key Noretta had given her and tackled the staircase. What was neat about this specific tree was that every floor had a different theme, from the sea king’s magnificent Hall of Remembrance to Inferno the Dragon’s lair. Ava passed the rooms, catching brief glimpses of each theme. She arrived at the door that led out into Unknown Forest. The dent in the wall--made specifically for a certain type of stone--drew her attention as she pulled the purple gem from her coat pocket. She inserted it into the cavity until she heard a very faint click. Then many clicks and sounds like deadbolts sliding across played their symphony on the other side of the door.
        After a few minutes and one last pop, the door slid aside, revealing overgrown bushes. She crept through until she reached open space. She peeked from the bushes, seeing if there were any intruders. Then, seeing none, she stood up and brushed off her clothes. Tall trees loomed above her, shading the ground with their mighty branches. Only few shafts of sunlight poked through. She heard the rustle of leaves as critters crawled to-and-fro in their habitat. Leaves cluttered the ground and she could only try not to trip over the humongous dead limbs.
        The school came into view, after much walking (and tripping); one detail struck her the most. Not the fading planks of the walls, nor the spider webs peeping out from every aperture and corner. The doors were wide open.


Cordilow

Re: Chapter 1

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All in all, I love your chapter. I like the style. I like the descriptions. I like the feelings. I like how things happen. I like how it begins with a dream—that's something I like, even if it's not exactly rare. I like how you can let me get lost in the descriptions—but not for so long that I tire; it's enough to let me rest and take in the things that happened before them. It's done well, and I can see it going places fast (in my opinion, for what it's worth). Thanks for sharing!

Was there anything in particular you wanted us to tell you?

Here are a few suggestions regarding things I noticed:

Each elf owned their* own tree in Terek and …
I would say 'its' here instead of 'their'. If you don't like that, I would suggest rewording.

> Even if she didn’t remember all of her life.
This is the first mention of this (I think). The only problem I have with it is that it is mentioned as if I had heard it before—it makes me feel like I missed something. I would avoid putting that feeling in your readers, personally, somehow.

> … used the old school as her study/laboratory …
Slashes aren't typically used in published fiction, although I think they're fine in writings that aren't meant to be particularly aesthetically pleasing. Writing 'study and laboratory' would likely be appropriate.

> Only few shafts of sunlight poked through.
I might suggest getting rid of "Only", unless you add an article after it.

> The doors were wide open.
I can tell this is important to her, and I can sort of sea why it might be important, but I don't think this gave me the effect I should have wanted it to, seeing as she doesn't even know why there aren't any elves around, and she seems to be having problems remembering things. There might be a way to improve upon this, although it's not so bad as I'm probably making it sound, since I could tell that it was important to her and this shows to me that it is important—it's the initial impact I'm trying to help you improve upon. Pages later, I don't think it will matter (but doing something here might improve the chances of retaining the interest of more readers and editors).
Cordilow

Re: Chapter 1

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This caught my interest a lot more than the prologue, I should note.
Kailey

Re: Chapter 1

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In reply to this post by Cordilow
Wow! Thanks so much for your review! It gives me hope that this story might actually turn into something awesome. :]
Thanks for all of the compliments about my writing too! I'm glad you give me suggestions because that's my way of knowing that you were paying attention unlike other sites.
She doesn't always have problems remembering things, it's just with when she was little. You will find out later in the story!
Yeah...I want that suspenseful effect for that last sentence. Is there some way you could help me?

And I'm curious... According to my writing style, grammar, etc. how old would you say I am? Your opinion.
(And anyone else's if they wish.)
Cordilow

Re: Chapter 1

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You're welcome. I hope it helps.

Kailey wrote:
Yeah...I want that suspenseful effect for that last sentence. Is there some way you could help me?
Well, hmm—other than me suggesting that you think about it more, I could say to do something that should indicate to the reader that the doors should be closed. Is there any reference to time at all? Well, I think this will impact other people more than it did me. To make it more powerful, perhaps you could have the character think something (maybe even something obvious) before finding that the doors are open.

Maybe here:
> After a few minutes and one last pop, the door slid aside, revealing overgrown bushes. She crept through until she reached open space.

In between sentences she could remark or think about how no one has been there in a while, and have her wonder where they went. I probably should have noticed more of what you did indicate when I was reading, but, for some reason, I didn't. I would recommend getting more opinions on this one (have them read it before asking the question, though) since this is somewhat redundant (except for the wondering where they went part).

Kailey wrote:
And I'm curious... According to my writing style, grammar, etc. how old would you say I am? Your opinion.
(And anyone else's if they wish.)
That's a tough one, actually. I really don't know. Based on your criteria, I would say older than 17 and younger than 45. I would think you're younger than 22, though, since you asked the question and all. It's hard to guess age by grammar unless you're looking at conventions that differ from generation to generation. People of all ages can have bad grammar. Exceptional people of young ages can have good grammar (and some of those exist). I don't have a definite answer.
Kailey

Re: Chapter 1

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Yes. I was thinking that I should say, in some way, that the doors are supposed to be closed. It's kind of obvious that doors should be closed, but still. To avoid confusion I guess I could throw in a sentence about the school. Noretta is supposed to be in the old school right now, so if I was reading this I would say that the doors should be closed... Hmm.
I didn't really think about time. It's morning at the time though, just to let you know. I'll think more on this, of course.
I wouldn't really say that no one has been there in a while, because at the beginning I mentioned that Noretta was in her lab at the time when Ava had woken up(or should be anyway according to Ava).
I have a friend that writes so I could ask his opinions of these observations.



Cordilow

Re: Chapter 1

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Kailey wrote:
About the age: You might find this surprising, but I am 14. My friend has also said I write in the fashion of 17 year olds +. So you aren't the only one. :] I know I shouldn't hand out my age to random strangers, but I guess I trust you. Though it may seem a bit naive...
I do find it surprising. That's cool.

You should be careful, though. There are a lot of strange people out there. Especially be careful of strangers who solicit information from you, or who want to meet up with you, call you, have you call them or something. Be careful with what information you give (never give your full birth date on the Internet—it's a step toward identity theft). Just your age isn't as bad, but it doesn't hurt to be careful (you probably don't want to attract people who will want to use you because of your age).

So, if you want, you can even edit your post and take out that information. Anyone who happens upon it can see it unless you do.

Have you ever edited a post? It's a good thing to learn to do. I edit posts all the time, and I'll probably edit this one after you edit yours, if you do and I realize that you do.

I might encourage you to join the private critique forum, too. There, you only have to worry about the people in it, instead of everyone on the Internet, although it's give and take there. I mean there are more people to warn of suspicious things in a public forum and less to take advantage in a private.

I don't mean to scare you off the Internet or anything. I just don't know what you know—so I thought I'd lecture some. :)
Kailey

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Okay. I know all of that stuff, but thanks for telling me anyway.
Yes I've edited posts before.
And just because I'm younger than most people on here, don't act like I don't know anything or don't know how to do anything. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but just giving a heads up.
It's fine you gave a lecture, and I'm not scared. Lol.
Thanks for the info! :)
Cordilow

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Kailey wrote:
And just because I'm younger than most people on here, don't act like I don't know anything or don't know how to do anything.
No need to fear about that from me.
Cordilow

OT: intro note

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Hey, don't forget to introduce yourself on the intro forum if you plan to stick around. It would be nice.

Here's the link:
http://n2.nabble.com/Introduce-Yourself-f2167250.html
bynra

Re: Chapter 1

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First of all, I'd like to say that this is a great first chapter, mainly because you've gotten me to care about the characters.  Ava is a person I want to know more about, and even the 'Spirit of Death' has quite a personality.  To me, this is one of the most important things about a story - it's what makes me want to keep reading long past the time I should be in bed!  Good job on that!

I have a couple of suggestions which I think would make the chapter stronger.  Feel free to ignore them if you don't like them!  I'm rather new to writing myself, though I am an extremely experienced reader!

The lengthy description of the entire city is a little bit much for me.  I love the fact that you have it so well thought out and I really like knowing where things are, but it was just too much to remember all at once when what I really wanted to know was "What happened to everybody?". Keep in mind that this is only the first chapter, and you'll have a lot more time to make sure the readers know where things are.  It might be easier if you focused on Ava more directly, by having her start at her own tree and walking towards the outer ring and describing only what she is actually seeing as she passes.  You sort of did this, but it could be tighter and less...tangential if that makes sense.  It would also keep the connection going with the main character which would be great, seeing as it is a very strong point in your writing.  

The only other thing I might work on is the first paragraph.  In fact, I did work on it!  I hope you don't mind, but here is what I changed to make it flow better.  It might be that we like different styles, and I don't think you've done anything badly but here is my alternative opinion.  I hope you find it useful or at least interesting.

Everlasting stone walls were painted black by death, the paths riddled with skeletons of creatures who long ago had desperately tried to escape their predictable passing.  A maze.  There was no way they could have survived - the executioners here were exceptionally unique. The walls thrummed with their power, their greed for souls. It was extremely disturbing to Ava. But, she believed she could get out. She wasn’t like other creatures. She was a half-elf, the first one in centuries.

Ok to the ending:  I like it.  It's great that you show what she ignores and it emphasizes what she notices:  The doors were wide open.  When I read that I went "uh oh" so it definitely came across as ominous and was very effective.  I'm looking forward to chapter 2!
Sultan

Re: Chapter 1

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Hi there,

This first chapter was very intriguing. I was actually surprised to hear how young you are. I just hope that age is not propertional to loss of imagination.

The dream-part was high-octane action and the metaphors were absolutly beautiful. One particular favourite of mine was this: "A blood red sun hung in the right corner of the humongous cave, splashing everything with an unsettling deep crimson." That, for me, just captured the menacing nature of this labyrinth. it contained enough mystery such as the Death character and Ava, she appears to be some kind of chosen-one, type character. The drawings on the wall was so vividly described.

Unfortunately in my most honest opinion, the second half was a tiny bit of a let-down. The beginning part containing the world-building of Terek was fascinating, especially this idea of a canopy-metropolis, I really got into that with the vines, and trees.

I think perhaps you need different words other than "trees". Describe them, after all, they must be massive enough to house twenty rooms or whatever. Are they massive oaks? Palm trees? Jungle trees?

Althought i can immerse myself in this world seamlessly, the info-overload took me out of my suspese of disblief, I am afraid.

With regards to the ending... It felt slightly "dum-dum-DUM!" dramatic. I agree with previous posters about an explanation needed with regarding the doors supposed to being closed. As we dont' know much, and we see open doors all the time, perhaps a different description would serve better? Like the door being smashed in, the lock broken, or some image to give us that: "something's wrong" factor.

Overall, absiolutly amazing, and I am looking forward to the second chapter!

If any of my criticsms have offended you, i apologise in advanced.
Cordilow

Re: Chapter 1

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Sultan wrote:
Like the door being smashed in, the lock broken, or some image to give us that: "something's wrong" factor.
That sounds like a great solution to me. It would definitely help, although I wouldn't leave out her alarm at this, or else it might seem as if she already knew and it had happened way in the past.
Dolphinia

Re: Chapter 1

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This story has a very unique quality to it, in the building of a new world. It takes a special kind of writer to create a world that holds the attention of different kinds of people. You keep writing like this and you'll have no problem getting and keeping an avid audience.
  That said I do agree that the descriptions are a bit long, they don't  necessarily take away from the story but you might consider spacing them out more. Maybe describe these things as she comes upon them as a way to further the story rather than stopping to describe them all at once. As always just my opinion hope it helps. D.