A strange idea that came to me today

[Dolphinia]

         As I was trying to rewrite my prologue today I just couldn't concentrate this idea kept popping into my head, so finally I wrote it down. This is as far as it goes I'm not sure what it is yet. Just curious what you guys think.


         The sun was setting behind the mountains, shadows were growing longer by the minute. Jonathan stared at the already darkened cave mouths where he could just make out tiny, dark silhouettes moving around. "They'll be out early tonight." He told Tonya as she placed the fifth and final collector.
        "I hate vampire bats." She whispered not wanting to rouse them up earlier than she had to. "Watch out!" Jonathan yelled running his finger along her neck, she jumped around slapping herself in the head.
        "Okay, okay I was kidding." Jonathan wrapped his arms firmly about her waste pinning her arms to her sides. Tonya threw her head back into his jaw as hard as she dared. "Ow!" He yelled letting her loose. "Shh!," she told him looking to the nearby caves.
        Jonathan smiled. "Why are you so afraid of bats?" He asked as they walked to their waiting jeep. "It's just vampire bats," she told him tossing the equipment into the back seat. "they're so gross the way they suck blood like that."
        "They're not interested in you." Jonathan laughed at her as he opened his laptop on the passenger seat to check that all five collectors were ready to gather data. "Dang!" He hit the seat. "What?" she asked ducking in case a bat was closing in on her.
        "I have to go back to that last collector," He told her, grabbing a flashlight from the glove box. "Want me to come with you?" she asked not really meaning it in the least. He held the laptop up to her. "You stay here and yell when the data comes online." He gave her his best smile, she was really cute when she was scared. "Thanks." she called out as he walked off into the night.
        Jonathan chuckled to himself as he approached the collector. "This is too funny," He said aloud to alleviate the pressing darkness. "a bat wrangler afraid of vampire bats." The steady beep, beep, beep of the collector kept him on the right path in the deep darkness around him.
        "Wait a minute," he said to himself. "why is it so dark." He shined his light around to see if the beam landed on any of the nearby trees, but there was nothing to be seen.  "This is weird." He turned back the way he had come. "Forget this." He mumbled heading back to the jeep, they would just have to take readings from the other four collectors for tonight.
        "Help," A childish voice called from behind him. "I'm lost in the dark is anyone
out there." Jonathan spun around shining his light frantically in search of the owner of the voice. "Who's there?" He called wanting to help.
        "Here." A more masculine voice called from another direction. "No here." The childish voice sang out, even closer than before. "What is this?" Demanded Jonathan not yet ready to run for the jeep but backing towards it all the same. "Who's there?" He demanded.
        "Can't you see me?" Whispered the first voice seemingly only inches from his face yet his beam of light showed nothing. "What kind of game is this?" He bellowed loudly hoping to rouse Tonya from the jeep.
        "No one is coming for you." The second voice called out from behind him. Jonathan whirled around ready for a fight but found only empty air behind him. He had heard enough. He raced for the jeep his legs pumping faster than they ever had before.
        "It should be here." He gasped stopping to catch his breath after a ten minute run. "Where are you?" The childish voice called out playfully to him as he spun around trying to get a sense of direction.
        "Is that you Tonya?" He yelled angrily. "This is not funny okay." But deep down he knew Tonya was still in the jeep, where ever that was.
        "Why won't you help them?' A much deeper voice unlike the other two spoke from just behind his ear. This time he felt hot breath on the back of his neck, he froze to terrified too face the unseen evil lurking just behind him. "What do you want?" He whispered barely louder than a thought, in fact he was not sure he had said it at all.
        "What are you offering?" The third voice asked it's heavy breath giving him chills as it rode along his spine. "I don't have anything with me." He desperately tried to think of something, anything that bodiless voices of the night might want from him.

[Cordilow]

This is good. I liked the style a lot. It's active, and fast-paced. The characters have personality.

Here are a couple things I noticed (maybe typos):
> He had heard enough * he raced for the jeep his legs pumping faster than they ever had before.
* This looks like a sentence splice.

> This time he felt hot breath on the back of his neck, he froze *to terrified to face the unseen evil lurking just behind him.
*too

[Dolphinia]

   

Dolphinia wrote:

"What are you offering?" The third voice asked it's heavy breath giving him chills as it rode along his spine. "I don't have anything with me." He desperately tried to think of something, anything that bodiless voices of the night might want from him.

This is what I came up with for the next part.

          "What are you going to do?" The childish voice asked from somewhere in the darkness, he was too focused on the hot breath riding his neck to pay attention to where the voice had come from this time.
        A white flash fluttered past at the edge of his vision, laughter filled the air. "What are you going to do?" The voice sang like a nursery rhyme, he couldn't help but look where the flash had passed. "You have a soul." The voice behind him whispered in a hot breath as if the words were one.
        "A soul!" The masculine voice called out from beside him, another flash of white much closer--was that a dress? "Is this a game?' Jonathan whimpered wanting nothing more than to be back at the jeep apologizing to Tonya for his earlier joke, it didn't seem so funny now.
        "Game, game, game!" Sang the childish voice as yet another flash of white--this time definitely a dress, and was that a little girls face--passed before him. A deep, dark section of the night seemed to move independently of the rest, it was coming from his left side and moving closer.
        Still behind him he could feel the hot breath rolling along his cheek now, and was that hair he felt on his shoulder. "I'll turn around and you won't be there." He whispered with no real conviction. "This is just..."
        A hand grasped his shoulder, he screamed falling to the ground with his hands over his eyes. "Please don't steal my soul!" He screeched, Tonya laughed. "What are you doing Jonathan?" He uncovered his eyes, the jeep was right beside him, Tonya was staring down at him.
        "Did you see them?" Jonathan asked pulling himself to his feet. "Did you hear them?"
He scrambled into the passenger seat, Tonya just stared at him. "See who? It's just you and me here and you're supposed to be going over there." She pointed at the outline of the small collector in the light of the setting sun.
        "What happened to all the darkness?" Jonathan was looking around like a deer in a cage, he knew they were out there somewhere. Tonya laughed. "Come on Jonathan just go fix the collector before the bats come out."
        Jonathan shook his head vigorously. "No man we don't need it tonight." Tonya pulled herself into the jeep. "I don't know what's wrong with you tonight. First you stare off into the night like a zombie for five minutes, now you're scared to walk  fifty feet."
        "Just reconfigure the readings for four collectors okay." The fear in is eyes was so palatable all the mirth left Tonya. "Yea okay, I can do that. Are you alright?" She asked taking the laptop from the dash where she had left it.
        "This place is evil." He told her. Tonya couldn't help but laugh again, thinking she had caught him in another joke. "Look the fifth collector is working just fine. You're such a jerk!" She slugged him in the shoulder softly, he just stared at the darkening world around them.
        "Let me have the laptop, while you drive." He told her yanking the computer from her hands. "Okay, okay where are we going?' Tonya asked still chuckling to herself. "I don't care as long as there are plenty of lights."

What do ya think. D.

[Cordilow]

Long-term suspense is building. I like that. It seemed good. The characters had personalities and seemed decidedly modern. It held my attention. It has a lot of mysterious elements; it seems we'll likely learn more about them.

I'm still not sure what a collector is, though. Do I need to know?

[Dolphinia]

A collector gathers data, they use collectors to gather information off of the animals they have tagged for research. At least that's what they do on Animal Planet. D.

[Dolphinia]

   

Dolphinia wrote:

        "Let me have the laptop, while you drive." He told her yanking the computer from her hands. "Okay, okay where are we going?' Tonya asked still chuckling to herself. "I don't care as long as there are plenty of lights."

         As the jeep pulled away three silhouettes stood basked in the red glow of the jeeps tail lights. "Are you sure he's the one?" The masculine shadow asked of the third voice, which loomed over the other two like a massive guardian awaiting the masters command to attack.
        "He has the vision." The third voice spoke slowly as it turned away from the disappearing jeep, the masculine voice followed obediently but the child remained watching as the lights vanished around a corner. "I like games." she sang to herself. "Violet, come." the third voice boomed behind her, she ran to catch up as they disappeared into the caves.
        "Can I play with him?" She whispered in a giggly voice. "If you wish little mistress." The masculine voice echoed throughout the cave, the third voice snorted. "Games, always games with you." Violet turned to stare at him her eyes turning to flames in the darkened caves, the masculine shadow cowered.
        "I will do as I please and you would do well to remember that Dimitri!" She screeched at him no longer a child but a venomous viper ready to strike out with claws and teeth alike, the behemoth merely stared at her. "Last of the Drakul you may be but I am not your serf," Dimitri hissed at her. "but your guardian."
        Violet relaxed smiling at him as if she had never grown angry, her eyes sparkled like diamonds. "Oh Dimitri," she reached her petite hand up to his disfigured face. "I had forgotten what you sacrificed for my mother." Dimitri tenderly laid his hand against her open palm, wishing just for an instant that Violet were her mother.
        A sharp sting sent his thoughts whirling out of control as Violets'  hand came flying up at him again with such force it took all he had to stay up right. "Grrr!" he roared at her but Violet just laughed her childish laugh, as she danced away. "Never challenge me again or you will be the guardian of nothing!"
        Finally Violet turned to the other man in the cave, much smaller than Dimitri even though he too looked down on little Violet. "At least Edwin adores me," she held her hand out for Edwin to take. He kissed it passionately before shrugging down into his shoulders waiting for the blow he was sure would come. Violet merely patted him on the head like a good little doggie. "Go get me some food." Edwin rushed from the cave eager to please his mistress.
        Dimitri glared at her his weight resting easily on his knuckles as he considered ending this child and thereby releasing himself from his oath. Violet smiled at him all sweet and sugary again. "Come Dimitri, don't you like my games?" she teased as she walked into the dark depths of the cave.
        "You should be more concerned with renewing your line than playing pointless, childish games." He told her in a deep, controlled voice trying to get Violet to listen to his reasoning.
        Violet danced around fancifully, enacting childish games all by herself. "Why should I care if mother and father come back? It's so much fun without them here." She sang to Dimitri.
        "You promised little master," He clenched his teeth as the last words slid out of his mouth, she loved demeaning him. "your father gave his essence to protect you and in return you swore an oath to restore them both."
        "Yes, yes, yes," she laughed. "and you swore your undying love to my mother once he was dead." Dimitri bowed up to almost three times his size, dwarfing Violet even more as the grimace on his face quickly turning into a snarl.
  "Watch how you speak to me child!" He bellowed as his anger and sorrow melded into one indefinable emotion. He tore out of the cave on hands and feet, running like a wild bear through the night.
        Violet just laughed, he would be back, he always came back. "Edwin my food!" She yelled into the night. In a flash he was by her side a large brown rabbit held squirming in his hands. "Is this all?" She screeched at him. "I am sick of rabbits, get me something with more of a kick! Bring me a human!" Edwin cowered before her wraith. "But my mistress, your parents forbid it before the long slumber overtook them." Edwin always referred to the death of The Chosen as the long slumber because death could never hold them.

I'm not sure what these creatures are shaping up to be any suggestions? D.