A short excerpt...(contains violence)

[trent-2]

Here's something I wrote for a character I have in a rpg game. It is some of my very early writing and I'm trying to improve, so that I may move onto writing a fantasy novel someday.

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A knight of the Order of Malregard

To be a knight of the Order of Malregard was a prestigious position indeed. One had to meet the demands of not only physical ability, strength and martial skill but it was also expected at all times that a knight maintained etiquette and mannerism worthy of a Lord.

The days of constant duelling, defending the crown and holding back the fanatics were as dreams of long ago. Ever since the assassination of Father Daemeon, priest to the Church of Morgain, and the death of the thirteen corrupt paladins; the heads of the war clans of the Church, things had changed for Loric. By hook or crook, the co-collaborators of Daemeon had him expelled from the Knightly order and excommunicated from Dalriada. The fact that he had played no part in the priest’s murder was of no consequence; it was well known and proof enough that he had led an inquest into the rumours of Melekite infiltration into the Church. That was enough for them to come for him.

The incident had occurred after the excommunication, he hadn't even been given the chance to leave of his own accord. Had it been an attack in the blessed light of day, then heads would have rolled, the Lady of Light herself would have bled tears for the massacre that he would have committed. Even the other knights would have come to his aid. But as always the way of the Church was deception and underhandedness. They put some type of herb in his food; he couldn’t stay awake, not long enough.

The vagabonds that took him were without doubt hired by the corrupt fathers. He could hear their voices, “They’d betta pay up Jimmy, those fat bastards, they got enough gold in that temple of theirs”, “Course they’ll pay up Tommy, I done jobs for them theres before”. He couldn’t move. Whatever they poisoned him with must have been strong.

The beatings went on for an eternity, he was sure they would leave him for dead. He lay still with thoughts only of tranquil forests and serene blue skies. “He’s dead”, “Make sure. We should hide his body ya know”. “It’s getting cold Jimmy, and I got me a wench waiting back home, let’s go, he’s dead”. “Poor Bastard”.

The two hirelings kicked his body into some bushes and made their way back to the road. As they were hiding Loric’s ‘dead’ body, some strange eyes watched quietly from a safe distance. An arrow was knocked and ready to fire. “Jimmy, how much gol…ahh”, Jimmy dropped face first and hit a tree trunk on the way down. “What the…”, Tommy turned around in surprise, only to receive an arrow in the adam’s apple, he slumped to the ground, gurgling as he choked on his own blood.

Two men entered the clearing. A tall ranger type with hazel eyes, eye’s that contained all the strangeness of the forest. The other stood next to the two fresh corpses, the forest floor smoked at his feet, he picked up a twig, and it ignited merely by his touch. He dropped it on the nearest corpse which caught fire, he kicked the other corpse, it landed on the burning one and it too ignited.

The ranger picked up Loric onto his shoulder, they carried him to the horses and rode to the camp.

Three days and forty potions later, Loric awoke. He was reclining next to a fire in a campsite, deep in the forest. Two score men of various apparel, chain-mail and armour walked about or sat cutting arrows, sharpening swords, whilst others sat around the campfire drinking quietly. A tall ranger approached, “Welcome to Fireblood Forest”.

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Please feel free to pick it apart or offer any positive crticism.  

[joneastwood]

Hey there!
I rather like this, short as it is.
My first thought was that Loric is the name of a character from Steven Erikson's 'Malazan Book of the Fallen', but i suppose that doesn't matter - i always find that my characters' names have been used elsewhere!
There's a couple of grammatical type things i wanted to point out:

-...expected at all times that a knight maintained etiquette and mannerism* worthy of a Lord.-
should this be mannerisms?

-but as always the way of the Church was deception and underhandedness.-Not sure if 'underhandedness' is a word. I could be wrong, but i think this could be - 'The Church was ever deceptive and underhand' or something like that.

-An arrow was knocked and ready to fire-
I think when referring to an arrow, the word is spelt 'nocked'.

-Two men entered the clearing. A tall ranger type with hazel eyes, eye’s that contained all the strangeness of the forest. The other stood next to the two fresh corpses, the forest floor smoked at his feet, he picked up a twig, and it ignited merely by his touch. He dropped it on the nearest corpse which caught fire, he kicked the other corpse, it landed on the burning one and it too ignited.-
This whole paragraph is structured strangely, with oddly placed commas. The second use of 'eyes' does not need an apostrophe. Nice imagery though! I would personally write it like this, however:
*Two men entered the clearing. One was a tall ranger type with hazel eyes, eyes that contained all the strangeness of the forest, while the other stood next to the fresh corpses, the forest floor smoking at his feet. He picked up a twig, igniting it merely by his touch and dropping it on the nearest corpse, which caught fire. The other corpse was kicked onto it, igniting too.*
Just my interpretaton, obviously - feel free to disregard! Everyone has their own style.

Overall, I like what you have written, and your style. I realise it was just a quick little thing for an rpg, but I would say not to be afraid to start that novel! I have found from starting my own that the more you write, the better you get. So give it a go. Be interested in reading what you produce. Feel free to have a look at my prologue, which is posted on here, I'm keen to get as many opinions as I can!

Jon Eastwood

[trent-2]

Thank you Jon, I really appreciate your feedback.

My character in the RPG game is Loric.  I plagiarised it wholesale from Stephan Donaldson’s “Lord Foul’s Bane” (Thomas Covenant series).  I think he used the name “Loric Vileslayer” or something along those lines.

Underhandedness is a word (at least MS word thinks it is!)  Not sure actually, I’ll check the old Oxford later.

Thanks again Jon, I really do appreciate you comments.  I’m going to read your prologue and try to provide some detailed notes as soon as I can.

Trent.

[Cordilow]

Interesting story.  Don't forget to edit it and mention the violence, at the beginning of your post, though (go to your post and click on edit; it's by reply):

It's good to see something from an RPG for once.  I know it happens all the time - but I think it's a first for these forums.

Anyway, I certainly like this narrative style for a prologue.  I don't know that I would prefer it all the way through the book, though - well, depending on how you do it, I guess (depending on how much dialog you have; more dialog makes it seem more novel-like, with this style, I think; anyway, other novel-writers have done it this way, and it can work well: I certainly like your style with 'showing' things, as it is much more effective than when I've seen many others do it; you can say a lot with few words, without boring the reader too much).

You can really tell the narrator is meant to be a person; that's good.  It's almost like a journal entry, at first - though this is done in with good style.  I like it at first and at last more than in the middle, for some odd reason.  You start mentioning some new things, and then it seems good, but you mention more (at that point it's still all right) and then more and it gets a little confusing for someone not familiar with all those things.

Remember to put each character's dialog into separate paragraphs.

Also remember that the 40 potion thing might fly rather well in an RPG, but it'll look kind of weird in a novel - without a good explanation (plus, 40 of any drink is quite a lot to pack down in that amount of time - certainly too much to handle if it's made of non-magical herbs and water; 40 glasses of water . . . imagine that even).

Well, thanks for the submission!  Do well!

Oh yes - if you haven't seen the other fantasy writing forums, be sure to check out which ones are available.  I know some people just find one that has been posted to and start posting there - but be sure to post to the proper genre when you start on that novel (I don't know what genre it is, by the way; for all I know, it is epic fantasy).  Anyway, anything fantasy, regardless of genre, can go in the plain Fantasy Critique forum.  If you want to chat about non-critique stuff, try the Fantasy Writing forum, or one of its child forums.

Thanks!

[trent-2]

A Knight of the Order of Delgard

It is a prestigious position indeed, to hold the office of a Knight of the Order of Delgard. One must meet the demands not only of physical ability, strength and martial skill but it is also expected at all times that a knight must maintain the etiquette and mannerisms of a Lord.

For Rodert, the days of constant duelling, defending the crown and holding back the fanatics were now as dreams of times long gone. Rodert’s life had changed, ever since the assassination of Father Daemeon, priest to the Church of Marceen, and the subsequent murder of the thirteen corrupt paladins; who were also coincidentally the leaders of the Church militias. Through their evil machinations, Daemeon’s co-collaborators had Rodert excommunicated from Alvardia and expelled from the knightly order.

Rodert had played no part in the priest’s murder but that of course was of no consequence. He had led an inquest into the rumours of a Delakite infiltration of the Church. That was a sufficient amount ‘proof’ for the fanatics, so they disposed of him.

Rodert heard about the excommunication through the other knights. But Daemeon’s acquaintances would not let him off lightly; they wanted an example made of him. It wasn’t an open attack, not during the blessed light of day; if had been so then heads would have rolled and the Lady of Light herself would have bled tears for the massacre that Rodert would have perpetrated. Even the other knights would have come to his aid. But as always the way of the Church was deception and underhandedness. They laced his food with a poisonous herb; he couldn’t keep his eyes open, not long enough.

The corrupt Fathers hired vagabonds to poison and then kidnap him. He could hear the voices of two ruffians,

“They’d betta pay up Jimmy, those fat bastards, they got enough gold in that temple of theirs”,

“Course they’ll pay up Tommy, I done jobs for them theres before”.

He couldn’t move. Whatever they poisoned him with must have been potent. Rodert was continuously beaten; it felt like an eternity, he was sure they would leave him for dead. He lay unconscious now with his mind floating through tranquil forests and serene blue skies.

“He’s dead”,

“Make sure; We should hide his body ya know”.

“It’s getting cold Jimmy, and I got me a wench waiting back home, let’s go, he’s dead”.

“Poor Bastard”.

The two hirelings kicked his body into some bushes and turned to make their way back to the road. Strange eyes watched quietly from a safe distance. An arrow was nocked and ready to fire.

“Jimmy, how much gol…ahh”,

Jimmy collapsed face first and slammed his head on a tree trunk before landing in a thorny bush.

“What the…,” Tommy turned around in surprise, only to receive an arrow in the Adam’s apple, he slumped to the ground, gurgling as he choked on his own blood.

Two men strolled calmly into the glade. A tall ranger type with hazel eyes, eyes that contained all the secrets of the forest. The other stood next to the two fresh corpses. The forest floor smoked at his feet as he picked up a twig that ignited merely by his touch. He dropped it on the nearest corpse which caught fire, he kicked the other corpse, it landed on the burning one and it too ignited.

The ranger lifted Rodert onto his shoulders; they then loaded him onto a horse and rode to a campsite.

Three days later and after many tinctures and bandages had done their work, Rodert awoke. He was reclining next to a fire in a mercenary campsite, deep in the forest. He scanned the immediate area for threats; two score men of various apparel, chain-mail and armour walked about, some sat cutting arrows, sharpening swords, whilst others sat around the campfire drinking quietly. A tall ranger approached, “Welcome to Fireblood Forest”.

[Cordilow]

Hmm,

I'm hope you're not upset about this, but I rather liked something about the first one more.  It seemed more relaxed - less tension, and easier to get into.

I don't know that this needs to be so active and personal, yet.  I might recommend it as an opening, or a prologue, though.  Changing it to active voice makes it seem more necessary to show rather than tell (and this piece does tell quite a bit, rather than show).  I don't know if the show/tell principle makes much sense (it didn't to me for a long time).  Let me expalin it, just in case:
* Telling is just explaining what happened.
* Showing is having the characters (or such) show you what happens, as it happens - sort of.

For example:
Telling:
A man caught some crabs.
Showing:
George approached the dock with his beady eyes darting across the ocean waters.  He saw the familiar rope, and pulled it up.  He grasped at the attached trap, moving it out of the water, revealing four orange critters: crabs, they were.

Anyway, it might still be confusing, but suffice it to say, the matter is largely with voice.  If you're telling it like a history, you're telling.  If you're telling it like something that's going on right now, letting us know all the details, you're more likely showing.  Really, it doesn't make sense to call it showing and telling if you ask me: it's all telling, when you get down to it.

Anyway, what you did worked well with the first one.  This time, it's different and requires some showing, I think.  Well, tell me if this makes any sense, or whatever else you want to say and we can talk about it more later.  I'm tired.

[trent-2]

Thanks Cordilow,

I never get upset (well rarely).  So never hold back with me please.

This peice of writing is going to be my guinea pig.  I'm learning to write and when I can get this peice near perfect then I'll start to correct some of my other stuff.  Meanwhile I'll keep writing the novel until I get to the end, then I'll start again and edit it with all that I've learnt.

I'll rewrite it and see if I can get the same feel as the original.  I do understand the concept of showing v. telling, it's just that I was getting carried away with getting rid of the passive voice element.

And thank you really for commenting on my work, I really am happy and appreciate it greatly Cordilow.

Regards,

Trent.

[Poya]

Nice, watch out for grammar mistakes, but altogether pretty original.  Be sure to add more detail into these scenes, too much was happening in too little time.  I understand that for most author's first novel, getting their hero off to wherever he/she has to go in as little time as possible seems very important.  Make sure that you have the conflict based around your hero, and you need to have the hero leave when the antagonist makes the first move ( or before the antagonist makes the first move, your choice ).

Hope this helped,
Croleon